I’m not a social person. I don’t like being around people. Most of the time I think they’re judging me, thinking I’m weird or going to talk about me behind my back. I know they won’t but I think it anyway. So I avoid any kind of social situation. I just sit in my room all day…most of the time I’m on my computer writing. I write a lot of fiction. I don’t show my work to anyone I personally that I personally know…I don’t want to put my face behind my writing because again, they might be judging me. If someone I know asks me about my writing like, “What’s it about?”…I get really vague and kind of trail off so the subject dies. And most of the time it’s all I think about.
I sit in class and daydream about what I should do with a story or what my characters would be doing. I do it in my room too, I can lay on my bed for hours staring at the ceiling or whatever and just think about them and not be bored. That’s why I know I would be fine in solitary confinement. Give me that dark cramped cell Tim Robbins is thrown into in Shawshank Redemption and I wouldn’t complain. But anyway, since all I do is daydream and write…I haven’t gotten far.
I’m in college and I’m pretty much failing out. My major is pointless, it’s Creative Writing but there’s no specific job out there for that major (unless you have money already)…I can’t just graduate college and expect to be a novelist and live off that. So I’m wasting my time. I’ve tried to talk to my parents about dropping out and going to a community college but they always change the subject or ignore me… I can’t just drop out because I have nothing to fall back on. I need their financial help. I’ve never worked a day in my life…simply because no one will hire me. I don’t have any plans for the future.
The only plan I had was to die before or during the time I was seventeen and obviously I didn’t do that. So that’s all there is for me to do. I first tried to commit suicide when I was 11 via suffocation. I was made fun of a lot back then. My teacher did not like my family so therefore she did not like me…so she would lie about not getting my assignments and give me detentions left and right. So one weekend I just decided I’d suffocate myself. I put two bags over my head (in case there was a tiny hole in the first one) and duct taped it. I wasn’t sure about what I should do with my body so I just laid on my bed and got under the covers. But once it got bad I chickened out and tore a breathing hole and just laid there. I would do the same thing five more times that year… and a few more the following years.
Then came high school. It wasn’t bad at first I decided to keep to myself and just faded in the background of everyone and hoped never to be noticed. That’s when I started having a crush on this one senior when I was a freshmen. I never spoke to him. But I thought about him constantly and managed to memorize his schedule so I could be in the same hallway when he was. I wore a lot of baggy clothes then…because I figured that if I wore something remotely revealing people would notice me. And again, I didn’t want that. But apparently wearing baggy clothes and never talking to anyone made people think I was gay…even my parents. I’m not though. Since then and now I’ve somehow decided that I would only ever date that one senior. That would be the only person I was to like. So I shrug off every guy that comes my way because they’re not him. I know it’s stupid but I can’t change my mind about it. Anyway, he ended up graduating high school and then he wasn’t there anymore and I’ve only seen him a few times since.
Then I was a sophomore…I had to take a speech class because it was required all sophomores take it. So that meant standing up in front a group of my peers that did not like me and did not care about what I had to say. I hated everyday I was in that class. So the weekend before my final speech I decide I would try to kill myself… this time not through suffocation. I decided on pills. I took 51. I figured it would be enough. It didn’t work, the next two days I was throwing up constantly and couldn’t eat anything. I decided I would never try that method again. The next two years of high school I stopped caring and started cutting classes…I never got in trouble for it because my teachers never noticed I was there anyway.
Senior year was my best year. I managed to make friends…I had friends before but they were ones I’ve known since elementary school. These new friends were cool (or at least I thought they were). We would stay up all night just drinking. And in the morning go to class with alcohol still on our breath or still drunk altogether. We did a lot…we’d go to the mall or some store drunk and just steal as much shit as we could. We knew we wouldn’t get caught because we were all fast runners. I loved that year. But then came graduation and I ended up going to college out of state (because of my parents)…I only saw them on breaks. When I did visit them we would still drink and steal but now drugs got involved…so now we’re just smoking pot and having a good time. We even managed to get a hold of a Cuban and went burn riding to the mall. I’ve never passed out from smoking anything but one night I did and I enjoyed it. I liked getting drunk and high at the same time and not caring about anything.
College hasn’t been anything I expected it to be. I haven’t been drunk that many times in a row, I don’t have any friends and like I said..I’m failing out. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about killing myself. And last Tuesday (4:30am) I tried. I really felt that it would work this time. I had a good day that day too and the thought to kill myself came out of nowhere. So I tried the pill thing again…this time I took 25 anti-cold pills, 25 allergy pills, 20 tylenol, 20 advil, and a random handful of sleeping pills I wasn’t sure of the number since I found them at the last minute…after downing those I had a couple swigs of Smirnoff. I thought it would work for sure. But at 8:40am I woke up all cottonmouthed and threw up for thirty minutes. I ended up sleeping most of the day. I couldn’t keep my head up without feeling dizzy or weak. At about 6:30pm I was starving but knew I couldn’t keep any food down so wandered over to the cafeteria and had two cups of milk and then went back to my dorm to sleep.
The whole time I was hoping the pills would still somehow kick in. But they never did and I didn’t eat any solid food for three days. I was in bed for two days mostly and finally able to walk around the third day without feeling dizzy. I thought the vodka would make it work. I should have had more. The third day I tried the suffocation thing again but stopped because the only bags I had were from wal-mart….I don’t want to be found with a wal-mart bag on my head. I really don’t want to try the pill thing again. So I’m waiting for this semester to end so I can go home and suffocate myself. The house will be empty because my parents always work. Before I do that I want to write enough good fiction so I at least accomplish something in life… That’s all I have planned and right now I’m just biding my time.
I found this site because I googled suicide, I didn’t mean the kind of suicide I’ve been talking about…I meant the drink kind…I was planning on writing something dealing with teens drinking and playing beer pong…but I found this site and ended up writing this. It’s a long post…sorry.