How to say goodbye

  April 29th, 2008 by deadfriend3

For many years I have been very suicidal I have always found ways out of my depression. Infact I have found my own ways with out medicne to cope with my depression and suicidal thoughts/tendancies but now I dont have those abilities anymore. I dont have anyone to talk to and I cant get my family to listen to me. I have no more hope or care for this world because I have found the truth in life and knowing this is what is making me give up. I dont have very long left but that is not a bad thing infact I can say that what I do is not by the hand of depression but rather due to overwhelming pain through out my body, and constant lies from friends and family members along with false attempts at showing that im cared for by my family. Honestly in life I know what wrong is, I know what right is and I no longer look at suicide as wrong! Why don’t I look at it as wrong? Simply because there are many different reasons why someone chooses death over life. Life is stressful, agonizing, annoying, pointless (expecially in the United slavery States of America), and exhausting. While on the other hand death is peacful, calm, collected, painless, relaxing and the most beautiful part about it is that there is no more point to it! Once it is upon you thats it your point has been made, that goes for all of those people that always said oh suicide is the weak mans way out, or the easy way out, or life isnt that bad (your life cant be bad enough to end it) there is the point we (suicidal people) wished to make. How do you know what OUR lives are like? Thats right you dont, and why is this either A. because you have never experianced depression or bad happenings in your life, or B. you dont know how to listen to someone that is suicidal instead you are far to busy denieing that life could be that bad for someone else when infact your lives might suck just as bad and the truth is that you are the ones that are afraid of dying because you know it is whats right.
I have’nt decided to hurt myself because I am depressed yet fed up with being a problem to every person that I run into, I havent decided to kill myself because of my girlfriend breakin up with me, instead I have made this decision because I see what is wanted of me and that is to be out of peoples way. I also know its what is best for my family, I also know that with out my being around life will ultimitly be easier for at least 15 different people. Why else have I chosen the path I am slipping down because the country that swore to protect me has failed me, the place that I was born has made me a slave that is called a citizen and my life has become pointless. I have died 4 times 3 by bee stings, and once by breaking my neck and drowning yea I dont believe in heaven or hell, I have my reasons and I also know that being dead means not feeling. I dont speak of mental feelings or emotions I know that everyday of my life since september of 2003 has been filled with the kind of pain that normally puts a person into shock and kills them anyways.
To people that read this know that I am not telling you to kill yourself because life is pointless! Your lives may very well be important to people including friends and family but I myself do not have these things to look up to because when I did they sent me away. No not to a mental institution instead they slapped me around said that i was full of shit and had to leave. Thus leading me to Florida, Texas, New York, Indiana, and Washington what did I find in all of these places, that unless you already have a life there is no point in trying to make one because everything will keep you down and everyone that already has something will want what you have and/or are trying to get thusfore making them attack you for as little as .02cents. I am tired of hearing life isnt so bad, I am tired of being a piece of shit to everyone around me and I am tired of doing things in attempt to better myself when people such as my own mother are the ones that push me down and prevent me from becoming anymore. For example I almost got into college alls I needed was my mother to fill out one piece of paper did that happen?… No!!! In my life I have done more than enough good for others, tryed to all of hell and back to make the bad in my life turn good and the only thing that has come out of it is disrespect and hurt. Why in the world would anyone at all want to keep on living their life when they know that it does them no good, and it hurts even to breath. My title is How to say goodbye this is my way of saying good bye not letting anyone that “loves” or “cares” for me know until it is to late, my way of saying I love you is to leave my bills to the people that created them (my family) and my way of showing that I really do care about everyone as much as I do is by taking the main problem in anyones life away… That is me I for the longest time have tryed to find out what makes my life so bad had no luck until recently. I woke up one day and realized that the only way to get rid of a problem is to do just that get rid of what causes the problem. In my life what causes all of my problems is the life that I live, the air that I breath, the blood that flows within my viens what I have come to realize is that the only thing causing me problems is myself. Thusfore in order to better anything for anyone I must remove the only problem that continues to happen everyday… My life!
~Justin White
P.S.- I wish I could show the world my life, I wish I could make a movie that could prove im not the crazy one, and I wish that just for once anyone would take them time to understand what I say when it come to my life… Not just listen but actually hear and understand/comprehend the words and feelings that I express. Good Bye

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