It is good to finally have a place to post what I am really thinking and feeling. So many other sites donâ€™t allow suicidal posts. I understand whyâ€”that could really make a lot of people worried. In a sense, this is not a suicidal post because at the moment, I am sitting here writing instead of getting the gun out. Oh, the gun is already out. It was left out from last night. Mainly I sit around thinking or fantasizing about shooting myself. I feel like a failureâ€”like nothing I have done in this world has made a difference. I just got out of an appointment with my pdoc and he said these are the things we all worry aboutâ€”whether we matterâ€”have we accomplished anythingâ€”have we made a difference in the worldâ€”what is our purpose for being hereâ€¦I think what he was getting at is that I am not the only one who thinks these thoughtsâ€”even he thinks them about himself. The difference is I am sitting around with a gun while I think about them. He reassured me that I do make a difference to the people around me and that right now I am viewing this all through a filter of depression. Things will become clearer and look differently when I am not so depressed. The question isâ€¦can I make it out of this depression?