endless misery

May 18th, 2008by empty-and-dead

my experience is that there is no-one who will really help: I am bright and educated (IQ of around 140) and have all the insights anyone could want, need or imagine (bright, workaholic, alcoholic bipolar father, hysterical, self-martyring self-obsessive Aspergers syndrome mother, lots of domestic violence and punishment for not being’ what they wanted’ just for a start) …I fully understand the whys and wherefores of my depression and suicidal feelings…but understanding it changes absolutely nothing. The levels of my insight and self-awareness are such that when I have talked to the various counsellors, cognitive behavioural therapists, psychotherapists, clinical psychologists and well meaning but uninformed people on the end of the telephone help-lines…there is NOTHING they can do (or – as happened most recently – even if you think that progress is being made the NHS will curtail your sessions with a psychologist because they budget for 16 sessions per person and God help you if you are not ‘well’ within that time.)

my partner committed suicide in the last major housing slump (end of 1990) leaving me with huge debt…the stress resulted in a miscarriage at 15 weeks…I never formed a long lasting relationship with another man (not for the want of trying to find someone ‘right’ for me – it just never happened) and am now alone and childless at the age of 50; my best friend died in an accident four months after my partners suicide … after 18 months of struggling to come to terms with all this loss, I went out and got myself a job, investing time in effort in training and progressing through the ranks…but this too came too an end 5 years later as the result of an accident for which I got no compensation…once again, I had to pick myself up…and I went to university and got a First Class Honours Degree…a Masters degree…and eventually after making application after application for over a year, I moved to a new city where I took up a new job. Two years on (after struggling to be accepted in a company where the culture was very alien to me and where my values were ridiculed and mocked) a senior member of staff held me against my will and assaulted me physically and sexually – and, whilst still in shock, I was persuaded by other senior members of staff (including HR) not to report the incident to the police as any such incident becoming public knowledge would have meant that all contracts with government and charity sector clients would have been cancelled…and u to 80 people would then lose their jobs. My Line Manager then made my life hell for the next five months until I could take no more and began proceedings against them for failing to provide a safe working environment…but the stress became too much after fighting the case along (lawyers not being known for their sympathy) and I had to settle after 7 months, for far less than I should have and in a state of utter dejection and misery.

15 months on…172 applications for jobs or study or funding for study…my only success being that my PhD proposal to a local university was accepted…but in the end that is also a failure because the application to the Arts and Humanities Research Council for funding for that PhD was rejected…and I also failed to get any of the four guaranteed-funding PhD studentships I applied…the vast majority of employers didn’t even acknowledge my application…one did – but only to inform my that my application was being disregarded as I was over qualified for the position and they would not appoint me as I would be denying employment to someone “less well-placed” in the job market…and my two recent interviews have also resulted in failure, despite being described as a ‘high calibre candidate’ on both occasions…but still job.

each application form for a ‘professional’ job takes around 20 hours to complete…PhDs double that; at 3 applications a week for the last year or so, that works out at over 55 hours a week, which is considerably more than a full time job…and that work is done alone for no wages…for almost no feedback…and definitely for no reward of any kind…

I live alone, had made no lasting friendships in the company, the only two real friends I had made in the new city have now both moved on…I can’t relate to any of my old friends any more…because I no longer know how to relate to people with lives, families and jobs…people with ordinary problems…and who find my seemingly endless catalogue of disasters hard to accept and sympathise with…

so I am alone with no friends, almost no human contact, spending over 50 hours a week trying to find a job (one friend told me that I would feel better if I did something for someone else…she had no concept that I barely summon the energy to get dressed most days), with nothing positive in my life at all…and the NHS says there is nothing they can do in terms of support…is it any wonder I just want to die? it is just endless misery

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