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I guess I’m a Suicide Survivor

by Brooke

OK so I’m “Brooke” and I am 16 years old, 17 in September. I come from a very wealthy and affluent family and I seem to have it all. Yet deep down inside I am absolutely insane and dark. I’m not afraid to show people this side of me but I know If I were to show people this side of me I would be completely misunderstood and I would rather not have people try to understand me. It’s a natural human characteristic to over analyze situations and ask the question “why.” Sometimes there just isn’t a “why” for things. I would just rather have people leave me alone.

Anyway, ever since I was about 10 I would think about suicide. My parents divorced when I was about 6 and problems just started to pour in after that. The divorce itself didn’t bother me because I loved not hearing the fighting and screaming all the time. My dad had a beautiful house on the beach just a mile away from my mom’s condo so it was very easy for me to go back and forth. I lived with my dad so I would see him more often than my mother. I have always had issues with my mother ever since I can remember. She used to call me names when I was little. All children go through their silly awkward stages but my mom made it very clear how ugly I was and how fat I was. I was always taller than everyone else and a bit over weight. She used to tell me she would rather have an anorexic daughter than a fat daughter. Now I model and have a budding acting career and I’m pretty sure “ugly” people don’t just get offered movie roles. And to top it off my mom is bipolar and has boarder line personality disorder which makes it very hard to be around here anyway since she refuses to take medication for it. I rarely speak to my mom for 3 years from the time I was 11-14. I think I saw her like 12 times in 3 years or something like that. Life with her just kept on getting worst and I would never try to deliberately abandon my mother or our relationship but I really couldn’t handle her anymore. My father is a very different story. My father is a very hard working and loving person but has a lot of flaws (understatement of the year.) He has paid for everything in my life from boarding and private schools, sleep away camps, trips, clothes, food, basically anything I want or need he gets for me which I truly love and appreciate him for since my mom has literally millions in the bank and refuses to pay for shit. My dad though dated so much when I was younger so I was basically brought up by live in nannies. Even if I did have a relationship with my mom I couldn’t even go over to her place when my dad would bring his fucking gold diggers home because she was always in New York which is where she has one of her businesses and goes there even to this day every 2 weeks and stays there for a about 3 weeks at a time. So my relationship with my dad was still strong but very torn. Both parents got remarried. Mom divorced him after finding out he stole millions from her and he tried killing her one time while I was over. My dad was married to a very important business woman who I would rather not name. He divorced her too and got remarried again after the fact she shipped me off to an all girls boarding school my 8th grade year. At this point (age 14) I hated my life. I hated me. I hated everything around me. I just wanted to die. I was home from boarding school for a break and one night thought it was time to end it all. I wanted people to realize how badly I was hurting and how they could have prevented it if they would have just been there for me. I took (and listen to this it will amaze you that I survived) 36 Excedrin tablets (sp?), 12 Ex. Strength Tylenol, and 6 Buffrin (sp?)…53 pills over all. I was ready to die. I laid down in bed with every intension of not waking up. Then within an hour and a half I felt so sick and all the blood looked like it had drained out of my body. I went down stairs and told my dad I took to many pills and he took me to the hospital. I threw up twice on my way there and of course a bunch of times in the hospital. They pumped my stomach and held me over night to see a Psychologist in the morning. My dad told me just to say I was trying to ease my pain not kill myself. He was trying to protect his reputation so people wouldnt think his daughter was crazy. Being the actress that I am, I had no problem convincing the shrink I was 100% fine and was released from the hospital. I mean after all I was my class president, I was going to Australia and New Zealand that summer for a month to scuba dive and just have fun plus I had so much going for me being co-captain of my lacrosse team and tennis team. Now it has been 2 years and my dad has forgotten the whole thing. I still don’t speak to my mom and live seems to be getting worst. God (or who ever is out there) saved me alot this year. I was in 2 car accidents in which one was almost fatal ( convertable flipped upside into a canal full of water) plus I have a very bad neurological problem which causes me to faint and at one time I actually fainted and broke my jaw and split open my chin which made me have to miss out on my lacrosse season this year at school. I have had problems with illegal drugs too which I have OD’ed on as well but never went to the hospital for. Someone out there wants me to live but why must life be so shitty. I want to end it but someone wants me to live. But why live through the torture? I’m just going to live and be unhappy. I wish I had someone right now to be there for me. I feel so alone. I’m a survivor yet I feel like I’m failing at life. Can someone help me?

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