I recall from my younger years faking suicide. My parents would be gone from home, and when they’d return, I’d see them coming up the driveway. I’d quickly spread ketchup on myself and the kitchen floor, and lay on a knife. Now, as an adult, I realize I craved attention, to feel needed and loved, while at the same time trying to show my family what they would be missing if I wasn’t around – hoping that something like this would give them the motivation to give me what I craved.
I quit a job because I wanted more time to spend with family and friends before I shipped off to Basic Training. I realized that involving myself with the military was a mistake, and managed to back out. I have since obtained 2 jobs. The first one, the hours were not what I wanted to work. I wanted first shift, but they wanted me there at 4 am. Going to bed that early was absolutely destroying my social life. The second job was in a town half the state away. However, my girlfriend could not move right away because the people I was with did not have enough space for her. Due to stress from not seeing her, stress from having one of my roommates(sister-in-law) occasionally flip out on me, and stress from my supervisor being rude and giving me glares like he wanted to kill me, I quit.
When my girlfriend found out I quit, she broke up with me. The breakup only lasted 2 days. This was around the middle of January. Then, after doing a horrible job at job hunting, she broke up with me on easter. This time, for a couple weeks. I managed to win her back yet again. Once again, I do a horrible job at job hunting. Now, this past April 30th, she has broken up with me again. This time, its different. The last time, around easter, she told me she didn’t love me anymore. I figured out she was lying and said what needed to be said to win her back. This time, she said she doesn’t want me around. She said it’ll make things harder. She basically has no faith in me. She said even if I get a job, she doesn’t think I’ll be able to hold it. She said she is done and will not take me back.
I don’t know what originally started me off on this track of depression. I do know it started sometime after I had quit my originally stated job in March of ’07. The fact remains that I am still depressed. Time and time again she has tried to make me feel better and tried to figure out what made me depressed, but couldn’t ever figure it out, because the truth is I didn’t even know myself. Her inability to find the answer is a small but still contributing factor to the end of the relationship. She felt I wasn’t opening up to her.
Well, I don’t know if the original cause of my depression is gone, but I do know the current reason that is most prevalent. My depression gives me the inability to sleep well (even as I write this it’s 3:11 am). This causes me to wake up anywhere from noon to 5 pm. This causes me to be unable to look for a job, which in turn makes me feel I’ve failed her and myself, which in turn makes me feel more depressed.
Well, here I sit now. I don’t get along with my parents, my closest friends have all moved quite a distance away, I have no job, and now I have no girlfriend either. I guess, considering my lack of a job or even my own place, the person I am in love with and who matters most to me in the world, thinks I’m worthless and a waste a time.
I have been in denial the last couple of days, since the breakup happened. Originally I felt disbelief, then denial, then shock, over a time period of about 15 minutes. I was angry at her for breaking my heart again. Now, the pain is setting in, slowly. It’s practically just started and already I don’t think I can take anymore. Everything keeps reminding me of her. When people have conversations, I almost join in with “Her and I this.” Or whatever. I hear songs on the radio, and I remember conversations we’ve had about the music.
So it comes down to this: I’m already depressed, I failed my girlfriend so she broke up with me, this makes me even more depressed, the pain is just starting to set in, there is a lot more pain to go, I can’t handle much more, and I’ve spent the last 5 1/2 hours crying and looking for a reason to live, and not finding one.
I need her back, I don’t want be live a life of unhappiness. I’d choose death before I chose living a life I don’t want to live. I doubt I can win her back, and its only a matter of time before I won’t be able to take the pain anymore because of it.