What’s life for? Are we just walking air and food processors playing an ecological part in the world’s natural system? Are we here to make life better for other people? Are we here just to experience joy and suffering and maybe learn something?
I’ve dealt with depression my whole life. The only time it eases is when I’m in a relationship .. then I feel normal, like a worthy human being again, like a semi-attractive man again. But all my relationships invariably end with me being discarded. I don’t make it difficult for them .. I don’t stalk or harass or bother them. In fact, they just disappear .. they throw me away, and then they forget me.
I’m easy to forget. No one ever comes back and says, “You know, you really treated me good. I miss your eyes. I miss your laugh. I miss your kindness and the way you made me feel. Want to get together again, just to catch up?”
I’m 35 years old. I figure this is the midpoint in my life. Here’s what I’ve learned.
I’m not worthy of love. And the love I offer to others isn’t worth accepting. It’s only worthy of pity.
I’m a decent friend. I have a few good friends, many of whom are women. I’ve been in love several times, but each time my love is eventually thrown away. The only … the ONLY .. reason I have woman friends is because they think I’m safe. They think I don’t have needs for companionship, for physical contact .. for anything but platonic affection and respect. No. I don’t get love. If I were to tell ANY of them that I wanted more from them …. I’d be refused, and they’d never come near me again, no matter how close we were before.
I have two college degrees. I have started two successful businesses. I make halfway decent money. I’m a good person. I’m very considerate and empathetic. I’m responsible. I remember people’s birthdays. I try to make people feel special. I have some good ideas once in a while.
None of that matters to people. None of that is worth LOVE.
I don’t understand how so many ASSHOLES can win the hearts of women. I’m not an asshole. But I guess women don’t want men like me. Men like me are boring and predictable and safe. Women seem to prefer danger, abuse, being taken for granted. Because that’s what they respond with love to.
I’m beginning to understand people with agoraphobia. Not because I’m afraid to go outside. But lately, whenever I go out where there are other people, I feel so worthless among them. I see so many people who get to enjoy love, sex, companionship, feeling needed and wanted. They don’t see me though. I try not to look at them. When I leave my office every night, and walk to my car in the parking garage, my mood steadily plunges until I reach my home. By that time, all I have energy for is to climb into bed and cry, or sleep, or sometimes both. It makes me want to never go outside, ever.
My therapist told me to start going to the gym, so I did. I still go, even though I don’t really know why. I’m not overweight (by much). I don’t have a bad body. Maybe a little too much padding around the waist. But I don’t get much physical activity so I thought it was probably a good idea. Since I started going, a year and a half ago, I’ve actually GAINED weight .. and when I see all the beautiful people there, women with trim, gorgeous bodies, chatting it up with each other and with hunky guys who flirt with them .. all it does is reinforce how invisible I am, how unlovable I am .. how none of those women would look twice at me, how pointless and laughable it would be for me to try to talk to them.
No one’s ever going to love me. I have another 35 years to look forward to of solitude and worthlessness. I’m going to turn 40 in less than five years. Then 45. Then 50. I’m going to grow old .. alone.
“One of the best life secrets is this: Don’t ever rely on anyone or anything other than yourself to achieve and maintain your emotional well-being” Yeah, huh? I’ve never been able to be content outside of a relationship. How do you do that? How does one go through life having any self-esteem or self-worth when no one loves them? I have never figured this out. I doubt I ever, ever will.
If I killed myself .. it would hurt my family. There are a few other people who’d be sad for a while. But I doubt they’d be sad that I wasn’t there. They’d be sad because I killed myself. They’d feel sorry for me. They wouldn’t miss me. I’m invisible.
I wonder if my suicide would make the papers. I don’t remember seeing any news stories about suicides in my town. It’s not a terribly big town, either. (About 100,000 people, give or take.) I wonder what my ex’s would think if it did. I wonder what my former employer, who fired me over a bullshit reason seven years ago, would think. I wonder what my co-workers would think. I wonder who would come to my funeral. I wonder if anyone would cry for me, besides my sisters and my parents.
I guess I shouldn’t tell any of this to my therapist. She’d probably lock me up. If she only knew how bad I’ve gotten since I started seeing her. I’ve done everything she’s asked .. I started antidepressants, started going to the gym, I see her every week .. but I’ve realized that none of it is doing any good. No amount of mindfucking is going to change the facts of my reality. I can’t just “decide” that I’m lovable. If no one loves me, how can I be lovable? If no one cares about me, why should I care about myself?
Why should I live another 35 years like this?