WHY????

Iwake up every morning and thank god that im alive, and today wasn’t any different. so tell me what went wrong? im 37 years old, mother of 4, i have a grandaughter that’s 2, her mother is due in june with another girl, and all i want to do is end it all. my kids are 22(with a 2 yo and another 1 on the way), 18 yo son, 17 yo daughter and a 16 yo daughter. they all hate me. i’ve been in a loveless marriage from my husband for almost 21 years now. i really didnt think that i was that bad of a person. i mean, i let my kids do what ever they want, i do whatever my husband tells me to do. i dont ask him for anything, i mean not really. i might ask for a new purse or some new clothes every once in a while. you see i was raised without a father so ive never seen what a marriage is supposed to be. so i figured that it was since the husband worked all day that it wasnt the wifes place to ask for anything. i mean for alot of years i more or less asked his permission to do really anything. he didnt want me working, so i didnt, he didnt want me drinking at parties, so i didnt. he didnt want me to go see my mother because she lived in a bad part of town so didnt. we went to see her when he wanted to so we did. he wanted to do everything with his family so we did. i have givin up so much for my family and they seem to think that it wasnt enough. now i cant sya that im the perfect wife or mother. there has been alot of days that the housework or even dinner wasnt done, but when you have 4 small kids by the time i was 21 i was tired. i thought over the years that ive gotten better but i guess not.the thing is that i have no one to talk to. mothers day is coming up and i dont even want to celebrate with my family, the sad part about it is that this might be my last mothers day. my kids say that i dont understand them, well i guess that works both ways. i have never loved anything more than being a mom. my husband and my kids mean everything to me. they dont see it but they do. i used to hear people saying that they dont want kids and i would get a little upset and say that they are stupid. kids are the best thing that we can do, but anymore i see why people chose not to have any. i still wouldnt change my life for anything though. it just gets harder when they grow up to let them go. my daughter and granddaughter came home to live us for a short while and im glad because even though they only lived around the corner i missed them. my other 2 girls keep saying that they cant wait until their 18 so they can leve, but honestly i dont want them moving out. the last few months ive thought about suicide, but then i thought it has to get better but it hasnt. i go to sleep everynight wondering if tomorrow will be better, but tomorrow never comes. i know it would probally be better in the long run if i wasnt here anymore. it will be a finicial strain at first but my husband has plenty of family to help him with the burial cost. as for trying to get into heavens gate, then i will just explain to god why i did what i did, and hope and pray that he will let me in so i can watch over my family. im not being chicken and want to take the easy way out, but i think it’s the only way. i know my kids will hurt at first but then they will lead happier lives.