Feeling Alone, Like A Failure And Hopeless

  June 19th, 2008 by Brandy

I’ve had feelings of suicide on and off for the past two years. I feel disconnected from my family and many so called “friends.” Right now I’m facing financial disaster. My rent isn’t paid, clients aren’t paying me on time and I feel like there is no love in my life. Last year my mother passed away suddenly. Then my brother tried to commit suicide. My Aunt died from a degenerative disease. This all happened within a few months. It’s been overwhelming. I’m an extremely talented writer and have won awards and praise for my work; but I feel like I’m not being fairly compensated. I’ve committed my whole life to writing and I’m beginning to feel distraught that I’ve failed to make a decent living. I have no savings, no health insurance and can’t even pay my rent. My mother’s grave doesn’t even have a headstone because I don’t have any money to buy one. My writing has not “paid off.” I’m 34 years old, never married, no children and no money to show for my efforts in life. But at the same time I feel like I cannot imagine doing anything other than writing. There’s a man in my life who makes a very good living; but I’m hesitant about moving forward in the relationship because I wouldn’t be an equal financially. Everyone sees me as the successful one; but I feel like a failure. I’m too embarrassed to ask for help and don’t want others to take responsibility for my life. I guess I’ve considered suicide because it would make all the problems cease to matter. My biggest fear is that I’ll end up “living in a van down by the river” as a comedian once said. LOL I know that sounds ridiculous; but that is my greatest fear. Well, at least if I lived in a van down by the river, I would have time to write what I’m really passionate about. I’m also afraid of being all alone with no loved ones or friends. I’ve always felt socially isolated although I know tons of people. You see, I don’t let people in. I don’t trust them. Not even my family. I have a bad habit of connecting to people who are bad and want to harm me or use me. This is a habit I have had since I was a child. The first time a friend used me was when I was 8 years old. She came over and demanded I give her my piggy bank money and I did it like a big dummy. My mom was furious. But the cycle continued for over 20 years. I’m just now learning how to discern the real friends from the fakes. As you get older, it’s a lot harder to connect to true friends. Someone once told me that you’re lucky if you make one true friend in this life. As I write this I’ve lost interest in suicide. But it doesn’t take away all of the anxiety I feel about my very real problems. I have until next week to come up with the rent for June and July. I figure if I have a whole bunch of folks on here rooting for me, maybe, just maybe it will happen. I did come up with a plan. If it works, it would solve my problem. And I do have a date with that guy on Saturday. I just worry that if it doesn’t work out I will be more hurt and thrust into a depression about it. But if I quit him now, I’ll feel tons of regret and be thrust into a depression about that. So I might as well go for it. If I at least take a chance and continue to get to know him there’s a chance that he could be “the one” if there’s such a thing. LOL Anyway, so far he treats me well and right now that’s what I need. I’ve also decided to stop dealing with these losers broke clients. I’m a great writer, I need to go for great things. Thanks for this forum. BTW, I couldn’t commit suicide anyway because I have no life insurance and would probably end up in a pauper’s grave down by the river.

Processing your request, Please wait....