i feel so empty inside. I cant believe I think of suicide. It started a few years ago. I dont want to die, i want to rid mself of my big black hole that has become my heart. i feel my life is not my own, it is not filled with continuity. there is no cohesion. i want this life to be over. to get another chance at happiness. i know there is no do-over, but i want one. i want to love and be loved back. the person i should love, i no longer do. alot of the time i hate this person. they have not partnered with me. first confusion, then sadness, then anger, now i just check out. it is getting harder and harder. i filled the void with the love of my child. my child is growing up and away which is what i want for my child, but it leaves a bigger whole than i had when he filled it. now what?
i can feel bettr. some days i do. i need to leave my husband but this is my family. im afraid my life will be worse, but it probably wont. at first it will bw painful. no at first i will be joyous and proud of myself and my corage, then it will be painful. then fear. what if… i meet someone who wont really love me like i need. what it i never trust love. right now i dont have confidence to trust love. i trust e-harmony; i see the commercials and its silly but i feel hopeful. wow! i want to meet a great partner, real compatibility to share a life! i like adventure, feeling happy, talking , walking, travel the outdoors.. i m desperate for companionship. i am lonely. I have a job and fine stability inside my family. a home, food, savings, a cute dog, a few close friends, a mother, ssters, brothers, a son. i use to think i didnt need people, but i did. seeming like i dont need people was my way of dealing temporarily with my lonliness. having loved my child has been the first time i really loved and needed a person. i admit i need people. i need someone to call my own, to depend on to love and be loved in returen so share my life. i need that. does that make me a hanger on. trying to suck off someone elses life? maybe at times, but i can give alot too. i bring to the relationship too. but can i trust enough? how will i know who is right to trust, who is really going to be good to me? wht if i fall for the wrong person. i will try to make it work to avoid the pain…this is not good. how can i get the strength to handle the pain. the patience to know the pain is temporary.