Dear all,
When any of you has read this, I will be far gone. Most likely in downtown KL or somewhere nearby. Watching my final sunrise.
I can’t cope with the pain and the loss anymore. I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I really suck at talking, making friends, and everything. I hate being me.
I’m just tired of this life. I’m tired of having my old lives being wrenched away from me. Over and over again. Different parts of me is like scattered all over the world. I left a part of me behind every place I used to be. I’m totally fragmented. God knows, I try to build a life for myself somewhere else, away from all the nightmares…
I’d like to share how I really feel, or at least try to. I feel hopeless, useless, angry, full of sorrow and there is this stabbing pain, this heartache, this void…They say that God is all you need. But sometimes it doesn’t feel enough. That’s what those bastards in church say while not even being there for me. If any of you people come across this, let me say to you, I am proud to die not being a part of you all. You were never my brethrens.
I’ve been losing friends because of what I’m going through. That’s the worst part…
In the distant part of the world that I was in, I am not who I was born, I am who I have it within me to be. What do I have within me?
I was supposed to see a doctor some time ago. But I have to cancel out since I haven’t been paid yet even though it’s over 9 days overdue. I wanted to get help but there is always something fucking my plans up. In fact these past 7 years, all my plans to move ahead, to move on have been fucked up. What’s wrong with me? I hate myself. I hate being me. I don’t want to live as me…
I want to die. I don’t want to live. I’m tired of being strong. I want to sleep forever. I want to rid myself of this pain. It still hurts..The emptiness, the loneliness..
I want to tell each and every one of you, wherever you are, something.
I suppose you can guess which message is for which person:
Dear ____, I should have never even dumped all my problems on you. Forgive me. Please forgive me. I’m just not strong enough…
Dear _____, it was hard for me to suggest we should no longer be in contact. But after all, it would be harder on you still. We were just like 2 strangers, for one brief moment in time, becoming close to one another. Go on and reach for the sky. You are destined for great things.
Dear___, Well, knowing you is really an unexpected surprise. But I enjoyed your company and caring friendship. I just hope that I was a better friend than I was your tutor. Please take good care of yourself, hey? You’re a wonderful girl. Remember that, ok? Thank you for trying to take care of me. The time spent with you and your friends is so precious..
I hope that after a while, you’ll all remember me as who I was, not as who I ended up becoming. Don’t remember how I died; just remember all the good times we had. The tears and joys we went through together. How we cared for each other…
I’m in this darkest of place where I can’t reach out to you or anyone. And I want to leave…I hope that there is still a place ready for me on the other side, notwithstanding the circumstances of my departure. This nightmare will be over one way or another…
XXXX