About 2 years ago, my husband and I had begun having strainful marital difficulties that are too numerous to mention. We really had a wonderfu life beforehand. I had worked my whole life, going to college (not graduating, but choosing work instead), dated, and found my soul-mate at 23. What are soulmates anyway? This is such a long, long story so I’ll try to give it a Reader’s Condensed version. I held a job as a CSR/Analyst with a Petrochemical Marketing Firm and my husband worked his way up in his Oil Company (large one) to a Geologist Tech. – he successfully completed many certificates of computer (Linux, etc.) classes. I in the meantime quit my job to stay at home with the kids since his company required international travel. His company was bought out from Chevron, and he lost his sense of purpose. We became involved with drugs for the first time in our lives, and let me tell you, drugs lead to death, incarceration and the psych ward, all of which we both have experienced.
I am hit hard with the realization that I have no one in my life. My husband was everything to me. He died on 2/12/2007 because of heart failure I believe due to drugs. I hit it hard with one drug — inhalants. It allowed me to not think, pass out and become a statistic of the one of many people incarcerated. I have never been in jail before, and there I was, dealing with people I didn’t know how to face. My husband died just before he was to go to trial for assault on a family member — me.
My family no longer accepts me, and we were a very close knit family. Not so loving, but they felt they had to be supportive because I was their kin. Now tomorrow i’m on the streets because my Dad will not allow me any phone calls without his close supervision (to my own children), my kids no longer care for me and I’m a self-pity’er. I said to my Father (who I am staying with) I will take jobs as a waitress — anything to pay the bills and help me on my way. He looks at this as a liability to me and beyond my “talents”. I am a felon (attempted assault on a police officer) and cannot gain anything in the market. I’m am out tomorrow for what I said to him tonight. He told me he hated me…I cried and said I wanted to die, and please let me call someone who can help. He said if he was to be embarrassed yet again with an ambulance, he would sell all of my belongings. I am in such pain — I lived through traumatic hell in jail (I put myself there), I lost my husband, I lost my children, I have nothing, but am still looking for employment on a daily basis. When I cry, he tells me to stop with the theatrics. When I tell him I need help, he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. I am sick, and no longer want to live. I just cannot figure out a way to do it. And I am a Christian (although I’m dwindling in that area). I have been hospitalized 5 times in a psychiatric center, I am seeing a therapist, I am taking pro-active measures, but I’m living under his roof. I appreciate ALL HE HAS done for me..I walk on eggshells to try and alleviate any stress. But at times, when I’m talking to my 18 year old daughter, he yells at me for what I’m saying — because it’s his house. I’m truly not trying to be self-pity’ing. I cannot see any way out. What kind of career can I get with a felony? My dad said he hated me, I was dead to him and I’m out of his house tomorrow. I have tried to keep this as honest as possible (and I have)…what use is there is lying on a board you need help in? I cry with such anguish, and he tells me to shut up – if call an anbulance, I will never been seen again. I am offering no excuses – what I did I take full responsibility for, yet I sometimes become despondent at my prospects. And when I’m told he hates me, my children hate me…what do I have to lose? I’m despondent. Looking for a way out. I wish someone could help, because I don’t think I want to so much commit suicide as I just don’t want to live anymore.