my love of life is gone

June 22nd, 2008by helpdave46

im a 46 yr male, have worked hard for my family for 26 yrs of marrage.At 42 I had a heart attack.ok i said ill take better care of myself.Well at 45 i had another and it scared the crap out of me.It caused me to go into depression.Now 2 months ago my wife left me a note that i found after comming home from work.It says shes tired of my attitude and wants a divorce.We have 3 children,one still is in our home,hes 18 and has some mental disabilities.Ilove my wife with all heart and soul.I have not seen her for a little more than two months now.We text on cell phones for 2 or 3 weeks,mostly me texting her and then she had her phone shut off. This devistated me.Cant see her and now no communication at all.I found out she changed her address to her girlfriends house in the country so i did my homework and found the house.Only drove by a few times,now she threatend me with stalking.I have sent 2 letters but doubt that her very influincing friend gave them to her.She has not seen or talked to her children or our new and only grandbaby.This seems imposible,I love her and miss her so much and now all i can think of is ending my life.I even have it planed out so my family doesnt find me.I cant stand this.I even had another heart attack 1 month ago,took 2 nitros,dont know why i even bothered..the more time that goes by without her the more i feel suicide is the only way to show her how much i love her.If she were to file for divorce i know it will happen,I will die her husband with this ring on my finger.I would never be able to handle that.You see im crazy nuts for her and know i dont ever want another in my life.no one could ever replace the love i have for her.There is no more left for anyone else.So you see it looks like the only way to end all this pain and unbearable lonelyness .The sleepless nights are unbelievable.all i have left is hope and my dreams that she will walk through the door and into my arms,if not i will not be able to go on..you see nothing else meens much anything to me anymore.Sometimes when im alone i talk to her,dont get me wrong i know shes not thereI know it sounds stupid but i will defend her if someone talks bad about her,i love her beyond description so theres no way for me to explain it.Ive truely been trying hard to cope with it but its overwhelming..think hard about it..put yourself in my shoes,imagine 26 yrs of life and true love with a person and this happens.I saw all 3 of our children born because i wanted to be there when life was made out of the love for each other and now she doesnt want anything to do with them or me.I know it must be getting old for my family and friends but i really need these people close to me please dont let them leave me alone,Its too unbearable and the lonelyness..omg….Ive been realizing a lot of things lately that i should have done or been doing but i think i got caught up in my own world of worries and depresion and expected her to see it and give me her love and support,it looks like my problems may have and prob. did cause her to do this,as you can imagine this isnt a good thing for me to think about.There are 3 things holding me together…my job–prob. the best place to cope with things.but there seems like theres no point in it anymore and i have more bad day and moments than good.—my son—I know he needs me.but taking care of him by myself seems so impossible ..for me to be able to do this i will need help from family and friends or i wont be able to do it…my family and friend…I know i need this the most..I know they have their own lifes and family but imagine all that gone..I need support ..understanding friends to talk to inviting me out, wanting me to come over ,wanting to come over,wanting me to go and do little things with them..wether i go or not makes no difference its just knowing that they care about me and like being around me–right now im really feeling worthless and i think i need this most of all if im to survive this.I know every one will get tired of my feelings but put yourself in my shoes…..I cant and dont need to be alone but i keep finding myself in that situation and thats when things really get bad..it make me feel like theres no one that cares and theres no reason to be anymore.I really think its going to happen..people say it will get better..let me tell you,its a lie people are only trying to make you pospone it hoping you start getting better.Well with some people this may be true but with others its not.To die doesnt seem to bother me anymore,but to die without her by my side does.her love was my lifeforce,its what made me love life and now she seems to hate me.Look at what shes doing it seems like she hates everything that had anything to do with us.I know she knows i love her, so why is she doing this,can a person love someone this much and the one you love hate you that much.It almost seems like she wants me to die….. All most 3 months now what the hell is going on. The more i think and the longer it goes my god has she left me for someone else.This world really sucks.What the hell is the use.Im just a freaking piece of shit thats what i am and who wants a piece of shit…no body…i cant even get a chance in this freakin world so maybe i should mail the letter saying where to find me go to that very remote spot and put the hose in my exhaust and window take the pills and enjoy my eternal sleep…

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