I have tried to kill myself before. i was a stupid, screwed up kid. not for suicide. but for the failed attempts. if i had ended it all then and there, no one wold have gotten attached and i wouldnt have caused so much pain to those people whom love me in my life. there is another entry here that says that the person says that they are lucky to be a zero, that person indeed needs to consider, that i was nothing. and i tried to be nothing. being nothing is IMPOSSIBLE once it goes away. screwing up is not impossible but not EXISTING is impossible i would know. i have TRIED SO MUCH in my life time. but i know that the only reason i am still here is for the one person it seems i cannot tell this to. i am unfortunately open about my feelings toward myself. and the thought of myself brings me more and more pain as i think about how much u just cant stand it. i dont dwell on the past like some people who hate themselves. i often try to use the past as a point in which i move forward from. but i have not been moving forward. actually i think it is quite the contrary. it is for this reason i think i should leave the ones around me to live in peace. without me. and i know that this entry is only making someone worry about me, and i dont know if the rest of the world is like me in how i feel pain when i worry, but if that is the case then i am simply causing someone else more pain. but. after this i think i am simply finished. i feel that i only have to bother you with this now. no one else will care. it is simple. if i do it here and now, most people will never find out. but, for my ethics. i must not do it here. and i must finish up things before, but if i cannot stand the person i have become, then why do i push it farther? is it because i feel that one more bad thing is better than a million? or does this 1 more bad thing completely outweigh the rest of my mistakes? or the ones i am destined to commit? who is to tell? is it worth waiting to see if i hurt more people? or should i slay the serpent in the egg? feel as though i am nearing the end of my pitiful excuse for an existance. i am not a brave, strong, smart, charming person. am i? is this all what i have led myself to believe? i CANNOT stand the fact that for some reason i fell that i need these questions answered before i do anything. this is not a goodbye note as some people post. this is one last cry for help. the hospital that the one i LOVE sent me to for all of this, dd not help. and it is not hat my friends cannot help, but it is simply that i am willing to give up and leave them alone for eternity so that i will not have to bother them with this ever again.
so i plead whoever reads this who believes they can help. i ask not for stories of people who have died from the same thing or stories of people who have pulled through it. i do not ask for skin deep advise on the matter. i do not ask for medical recomendations. i ask simply for help. and i do not know how that help will form. but his is my last chance.