almost made it

I stood there on the brigde looking down beneath me, it was terrifying, my whole body shook so much but my mind was empty my heart cold. but something within me kept pulling me back and a voice in my head wouldn´t stop screaming, was it me or somebody else?it took me a lot of courage to stand up I sat first didn´t realize how high up I was. I almost got sick looking down but then I saw water and pure white lights instead of trains and rails! and I knew i can do it jump to free myself from this world of pain and dissappointment and tears and hatred.i saw myself from toddler -teenager-grownup- always strong and working hard to pay bills later to raise my kids on my own, now they grown they don´t need me any more two of them hate me even, you always say no you don´t but i see the hatred in your eyes. i can´t stand that look it rips my heart apart. i rather die i know you make it without me maybe you feel anger and bitterness towards me but i know it will pass and you go back to your selfcentred life – you love your clothes more than you love me, you forgotten the sacrifices i made to feed you buy you clothes pay bills take you on holidays buy you toys read you bedtime stories you never seen my tears after you gone to sleep tucked in safely in your beds, i sat in the kitchen trying to figure out how we´re gonna make it rest of the month, i even stole milk and chocolote from the stores i am so ashamed i shouldnt have the right to live, i want to die please give me that courage again to make it, a man came running to me and wanted to talk, he disturbed my innner peace, the lights dissappeared and so did the water, why did he have to come just than when i was ready to fly?when i need someone i never have anyone when i needed this moment for myself someone came. we should have the rights to end our life some pain is too much to carry– when own children stab you over and over again and the hatred in their eyes kills you. my thoughts hasn´t gone away i just need to look for a better place.