I am not ok

My name is Clint Rouse… and I am not ok. For thirteen years I have battled this depression and it is just not getting easier. I dont really remember what it was that triggered this in me, but I guess you can just imagine a gun going off across a distance…a bullet speeding towards me in slow motion. Every day it gets closer to me… Today is just one of those days when you just want it all to end. I can imagine laying a bathtub full of hot water and just letting the blood gush from open wounds. I can see myself falling from a great height… I often wonder of great it would be to go sky diving and just not pull the cord… I can imagine that breif time of bless… followed by darkness. I think that would be a great last time stimulis to my brain. I dont know. I am not ok. I have lost all my family, and I fear that I am losing my friends. I want to make things better, but sometimes it takes a funeral for people to come together… I dont know, all I know is that I am not ok. As I write this… tears fill my eyes. So much hurt and regret. I wish I had never been born. Never.