I am angry, bitter, depressed, alone. I have wanted to die for many years, but have so far been unable to get it done. I want to die to end the pain and misery of living, but I also want to die to punish those people who have made, and continue to make my life miserable. I want them to know that they killed me. My blood is on their hands. That’s how angry and bitter I am.
There is something deeply wrong with my mind, I know that. I should be an amazingly successful and happy person. I have talent and intelligence. I used to be ambitious and driven.
But life has knocked me down so many times, I just don’t have the willpower anymore. I’m tired of being a failure. I hate myself for my weakness, and I hate myself for letting others push me down. I hate myself for pushing me down too.
I wish I could just summon the strength to kill myself. I wish I could end the pain.
But somewhere inside, I still keep telling myself things might get better. Somewhere inside I continue to kid myself and give myself false hope. Enough false hope that I never go through with the suicide. Enough false hope to continue being disappointed with my life when it all goes wrong AGAIN.
And the cycle continues. This is my life. This is hell.
On the up side…
Yeah, I just sat for a couple of minutes trying to think of something on the ‘up’ side, so I could end this on a positive beat. I couldn’t think of anything. Not one single thing. Sorry.