I Wish I Didn’t Feel This Way

  July 5th, 2008 by kit

I’m bipolar – as far as anyone can tell, it being virtually impossible to get any proper clinical help without pots of money (or slashing my wrists to be taken seriously!)

The people in my life (who’ve stuck around) know that I’m bipolar, and have got into the habit of filtering their entire perception of me through that one fact. As a result, whatever I do or say is judged on the basis of my ‘insanity’ and therefore quickly dismissed.

So now, in addition to the very real and serious issues I’m coping with as a result of my bipolar, I have the added pain of feeling that I no longer have a voice; that my thoughts, opinions, feelings and desires are mere symptoms – something to be ‘handled’.

And it’s driving me crazy!

I just had an argument with my mum on the phone, and she pulled her latest trick (again), which is basically waiting until I’m in mid-sentence and then hanging-up on me. It makes me so angry, but I have no outlet so I get even more frustrated, which leads to wanting to die, which leads to crippling depression. You see, much as I want to kill myself, and have done for many years, I am trapped by certain responsibilities that make me unable to do the selfish thing and just end the pain. So I go on, living from one day to the next, often resenting it.

My life is pretty much like this: 30% rage, bitterness and self-loathing, 20% joyous mania and blissful highs, 40% mixed state (rage, bitterness, self-loathing, joy, creativity, bliss, euphoria), 10% neutral.

The mixed state is very confusing for myself and anyone around me, and has added to my difficulties getting a proper diagnosis. No medication has worked thus far, and I’m currently un-medicated (for any mental health issues).

Things are more complicated by the fact that I am also an insulin dependent diabetic (type 1) which causes major mood swings on its own, regardless of bipolar states – so I’m basically a conflicting mess.

But here’s the thing, and it’s really important: I am not stupid. I still have intelligent, lucid thoughts – and I would like the right to express these thoughts and be listened to, taken seriously, and treated with respect. NOT told, “you’re just being bipolar again!”

Am I the only one that has this? I’m sure I’m not, but in all the stuff I’ve read about bipolar, I’ve never encountered this particular side-effect. When I first knew I had it (or something symptomatically identical) I worried that I might begin to use it as an excuse. But it turns out everybody else has! They’ve used it as a convenient excuse to dismiss me when I happen to disagree with them about something, or state an opinion that they don’t want to hear. How fucked up is that!

I want to die often – and increasingly I want to die to punish the people that won’t listen. One day I’ll be released from those specific responsibilities that I mentioned earlier, and when that day comes the people that didn’t want to listen will find that they no longer have to!

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