Need a hug…

July 10th, 2008by Shadowcat

I always need a hug. And I always need it from the people who can’t give me those hugs…

I’m a 14 years, 6 months, 1 week and 5 days old girl. I never loved my father. I mean I loved him, but only that “Unconditionable love” that you always feel for family members. When I was 9 years old, one of my teachers said that my family should go for a psychologist for a family therapy, which we did. It speeded up my parents divorce and now I hate my father. I never really loved him because he was the kind of man who wants everything done when he says and how he says, and if I didn’t do something when he asked me to I was most likely to get slapped. If I tried to go away, he would’ve grabbed my arm so hard it would hurt and leave a big red mark. But it never left a mark for just anough time for anyone else to notice it.

When my parents got divorced, even though I kept saying I don’t mind and it doesn’t affect me at all, I was affected by it. I started to skip classes and run away from school, I got suspended once for skipping school. Around that time my principal was changed too, and the new principal was trying to get into my life. I don’t like people who try to get into my life by themselves, I like people who wait until I let them in.

A year later I broke up with my first boyfriend, which made his friends, even those who was my friends too, hate me and try to make my life a living hell. They did a good job. I transffered to a diffirent school who was nearby, and stayed there for a year before going back to my old school. I was accepted to the new school well, but at the end of the year I started to make enemies out of my ‘friends’. So back to my old school where I was still hated by most. Mutual hate since I still hate every single one of the people who was in my first school. I tried to pick myself up from the ground I was sitting on after my big fall, but everytime I succeeded, I fell back down just because it was so much easier then standing up.

I kept going like that through all elementary school[8 years], and I barely made it to my current high school[4 years]. But I did managed to get here and it’s something, right?

This year I got back to hanging on forums. On the forum I was on, I met her. I don’t know why, but I found my first love and I want to get rid of it so much. She is my first love. And in a time where every single thing is so confusing I find myself falling for simply, my best friend. Even though the realetionship is all through the net, by MSN Messenger and the forum, I still find her the most amazing, beautiful, nice, kind, sweet and perfect person exist. But no metter what, I know that she will never feel the same way for me. And I know that I hurt her because of how I feel.

I blocked her, because I never want to hurt her ever again. But every day passing I think about her and every minute I want to talk to her so badly… I have her phone number, but I won’t call. She has mine, but she doesn’t seem to try to contect me. and all I want to know is if she even cares anymore. because when I started smoking she told me to stop, and I did. and whenever I wanted to get drunk, she told me not to. And I didn’t. And when I cutted my legs as my cry for help, she yelled at me to stop fooling around and take myself in my own hands. So I stopped fooling around and now I wait for my scars to heal. Everytime I felt bad she called me, just from hearing her voice I smiled. But she only called me to tell me to stop fooling around. Because she cared for my life more then I cared for my life. And no one ever cared too much for my life. And I promised to her, I promised I wouldn’t fool around anymore. And I still feel sometimes like smoking something, but I don’t because I promised. And if there’s alcohol, I don’t drink because I promised. And everyday, I take my knife, and I look at the open blade, and then I close the blade and put down my knife before going to bed. Because I promised I would stop cutting myself. And I keep my promises to people I really care about.

So when I lost all reasons to live, I found one that kept me alive. And then I lost it again. So now, everyday, for the most minor things, I feel like crying. But I hold myself from crying in public. And everyday, I remind myself my plan of suicide. I remind myself the where, the how and even the time I set for myself. So someday, between November 29th, 2009 and November 28th 2010, I’m going to jump off A building. The roof of a mall. I decided everything a long time ago. And all I said to myself is just to wait until I was 16. So when I’ll be 16, unless in some magical way I find a really good reason to live my life, I’ll jump.

But on the meantime, standind ouside and holding a big sign saying “FREE HUGS” never hurt someone, I think…

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