I’ve cleaned my desk out at work. It is now blank and plain like everyone else’s. No more posters and pictures or family photos, all of which have served to irritate me and remind me of my failures. I’ve made sure there is enough money left back for my family. I have cancelled all next weeks appointments so that someone who needs those “professionals” can have it.
I have been to see my precious friend. I hurt all last night knowing it is the last time I will see her and her gorgeous children. I told her I love her. Because I do. She has been one person who for some unknown reason to me has meant so very much. I miss her already, but I can’t continue to lay this shit on her and everyone else.
Today I went to see an old boss at work and gave her a gorgeous plant that I hope will give her more pleasantness and last longer than me. I have sent my little boy away so that I know he is looked after and away from me and all of this.
Tonight I will pay all the bills and can rest easy knowing there is a roof over my family’s head and a car in the driveway for at least a month. Im sure the death insurance/super will look after them after that.
Then I can quietly slip myself away. I have shut myself off before, so noone will be aware or be able to interfere.
Then I hopefully can find peace. No more bullshit and feeling like Ive been kicked in the guts every waking moment. No more stuff ups and no more laying shit on people. They will be free as will I.