Should i or shouldnt i?

I am 14. I have thought of killing my self for 3 years. Ont the outside looking in, i have the perfect life. Big family, money, friends. I can do what ever i want. Im smart, i get the grades and the awards. I go on many vacations, always have new clothes, or a phone and an iPod. I have the boyfriend. Im lucky. But from the inside looking out. My life is built on lies. My big family, my money, and most of my friends are their for a security blanket. one day i was running a bath and i was having a moment. i was crying so hard that i couldnt see. I was sitting on my bathroom floor with a knife in my hand. I dont remember how it go there. I was home alone. I was sitting on the floor thinking of should i do it? or should i not. As i was thinking that my friend came over and heard me crying. She came through the door. took the knife and rapped me in her arms. We stayed like that for hours. Still 1 year later the thoughts of should i or shouldnt i pop up. i still lead that ‘perfect’ life. But i dont know how to get through the pain.