Can’t keep living like this… when’s it going to end?

I came across this site because I’ve been dreaming of death. As much as I long for it, I am still scared to do it. I have been feeling down for as long as I can remember.. maybe since I was 5 and I am now nearly 26. My mum has never been really verbally abusive.. but the things she says to me, the way she puts m down, make me wish I was dead. She reminds I’m a good for nothing, that I’m lazy, that I’ve done nothing with my life. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved.. all I’ve ever gotten is failed relationship, one after another after another. Men you just wanna use “for a bit of fun” they say. I care for them, have feelings for them, but to them i am nothing, just a joke and will never be good enough. I’ve just started working fulltime again.. and now I’m thinking I’d rather call in sick tomorrow and attempt to overdose myself on sleeping pills. I’ve tried before. a whole a packet and a bottle of vodka. I thought it would be easy. but all i ended up doing was lying in a pile of my own vomit for two days, alone in my appartment. Yes but now I am living back with my parents, because I am the loser child. I have played with razors before too.. I just never seem to cut too deep. My sister called me a emo. fuck her. that just hurt more. I told her I never wanted to speak to her again. and I haven’t since. I don’t know what to do. I talked to several different psychs over the years.. but never found any to be that helpful.. one even taunted me “if you’re really that deppressed.. then why don’t you just walk infront of a car, or throw yourself over the gap” but I can’t. because I am afraid. I have researched what my ideal prefered method would be… cyanide posioning. I wish I knew where to get it from. Even overdose on herion when trying it for the first time doesn’t sound like a bad way to go either.