I have been suicidal and have made several attempts over the last 4 years. I am severally depressed and have had a very hard time finding the help I need to get out of the thinking that it is okay to leave everyone behind because of the pain I feel. I have seen several doctors and all they want to do is put me on more and more medication. I have been on 22 different psychiatric drugs and quite a few at the same time. It wasn’t until March of this year I finally realized that I was over medicated and that was not helping my depression or suicidial ideation. It is still hard for me to find a doctor that I can even trust and who seems to have compassion for what I am going through and want to invest the time to help me fully recover. I have had a few therapists and one in particular I saw for 3 1/2 years. No one in my family or friends liked him and I came to realize that he wasn’t helping me either. He was the only support I had but wasn’t helping me deal with the problems I was facing. I was molested as a young child by my real father and then raped at 21 by someone I knew. Those two events came back to haunt me after the birth of my second son. I couldn’t cope. I became severally depressed and felt life was not worth going on. Who could benefit from someone like me. I felt I had nothing to offer. I wasn’t a good wife or mother. I stayed in my room and that is where I stayed. My last attempt was in February of this year and I don’t remember why I did it. Right after that I was admitted into the hospital and received 8 ECT treatments. I have lost a lot of memory and 6 months later I still can’t recover from my memory loss. Even though the doctor said Iwould get it back. I feel like I am two people all of the time. I have to put on the happy face and try to be a good mom and be the manager at my job where no one knows what I face inside everyday. Then there is the other side of me who wants to curl up in bed and believe all the things my head tells me. That life would be better off without me. Am I being selfish or am I saving life long pain that could hurt my family even more by dealing with a depression that I can’t seem to get over.