my name is Matt and i am writing this in a hope that spiiling the beans and some off me on this site it may help me and in a way off thankyou to my dog and mate.
Ok where do i start…………………
I am 29 and in the middle off a seperation from my wife and 4 year old boy. I moved into my mates house and soon found myself willowing in a very dark and lonley place and that i could not see a way out off and a lot off my past in the forces was playing back in my mind and dreams but i amnot going into that on this occashion if that is ok, i started getting and still do get massive panick attacks and one morning i got up and was walking down stairs and had a massive pannick attack and felt like my throat was closing and i could not breathe and this scared me so much i actualy peed myself (look what a fool i am and here i am telling the worl this) i had been thinking about ending it all before but i had had a nuff this time i felt a complete failure to myself my son and everyone who new me so i got in my van and for some reason i took my dog Flyte and my phone,dont ask me why as i often go out with no phone and well why on earth i took my dog with me i will never no
I would like to stop hear a second to explain somthing……………………
i would like to say that i have only told one person the actual events i am writing about here so please dont judge me please is all i ask if i continue
and jumped into my van and drove to a lovely area in the uk that me and my ex and my mate walked my dogs and parcked up in the car park in the middle off the day it was dead (not the best word but can not think ooff another sorry) so i sat and looked into the view i loved and still do to this dayand kissed my dog goodbye and my mind went to my son and all i could think was that he is better off with his mum she can offer him more love than i felt i could ever give him,(they are great with each if only she new that and calmed down with him a bit when he plays up but he ho she is a good mum anywho i diverse)and jumped onto the back off my tipper and got my hose pipe and gatter taped it to my exaust pipe and went back to the cab where my dog was sat looking for bunnys out the window all unaware off the hurt i was in and the pain i so wanted to end, i wound down my windo and put the hose pipe in and sat down and started the engine and sat back ready for the peace too come and sleep to last for ever and me to be again happy.
but what happened was this ……………………………
one my dog Flyte looked at me and looked me in the eyes and made me think that she was saying ” Dad dont be silly i am here for you turn the engine off and lets go get some bunnys” (now i no dogs can not speck but the way she looked at me and cuddled up like she does made me think)
two as the fuemes came in and i started too cough my phone made a noise and it was my mate texting me that she was ill and on her way home from work and that if i need her she will be home soon for a chat and well this and my dogs mind games made me see maybe i could live a bit longer
i turned my engine off and got out and flyte followed i was coffing and spluttering and i was glad i took my dog with me as well as my phone
i went with Flyte for a walk around the hills chasing bunnys and well seeing that she loved me uncondishonaly even though i was happy (again wrong word) to kill her with me in that van helped me see that i was needed and that maybe it was not the time.
when i got back to my mates house and broke down in tears off disgust because buy the time i got back i was gutted i was a cowered and did not have the guts and only somone who has been in this position can ever understand that thought
my mate and i beleive it was fait that she felt ill due too the fact she is never ill and the day after she was right as rain and that flyte was there with me through think and thin means a lot
now this is not the end off my struggle buy far but i feel better writing this small section off my life down and well that is all i can ask
i want to make small steps and small goals so i do not fail and beleve i am a failure but no one can tell you that you are wrong if you are as low as i am then and still am now
i will carry this on as a kind off blog when i feel stronger nuff to tell you the next section
at this point i would like to thank my dog Flyte (like she will no i am thanking her on the www) and a special thanks to my mate who for some reason felt it right to text me on that day at that exact moment
i still want my life to end and have to battle everyday with these thoughts and this site has helped me see i am not alone so i hope me writting this has helped somone else write there story down and ease a littlebit of pain
regards and thanks for reading this short tail
Matthew and his beloved Flyte x x x x
ps sorry about the spelling