It started in the 6th grade.
A totally new year, in middle school. I was considered an older kid to the elementry, and the lowest of the low in the middle school.
I didn’t have many friends, i never did, and i don’t think i ever will. I was not good in school and didn’t get good grades I didn’t have the greatest looks out of the bunch, and almost anyone would talk to me like i was some kind of creature unexplored.
The first month of school, i came home crying. All of the girls in the locker room were making fun of me, saying i was fat. They would taunt me, and throw tolilet paper rolls at me. Tell me i was trash.
All of that year was horrible. My mom would tell me to cheer up, really she was the only one their for me. By the middle of the year, i sat alone at the lunch table. i would start crying randomly in classes, and going to guidance to talk about my problems. Well guidance didn’t help, they made things werse, they would call the girls who use to make fun of me and send them down into the same room as me. Of corse they would lie about what happen, then afterwards they would tease me ten times worse.
In 7th grade i met a wonderful friend. she was pretty much the only one i had. I hung out with her everyday. She was in 6th grade, and she didnt know it, but we both went through the same shit.
Then her dad died. Of cancer, and she was heartbroken. And so was i, for her.
I would cry with her. I would cry on the fone with her.
and eventually, she let go alittle more and more. 7th grade wasnt too bad for me that year, becuase i had someone to be with. but then came 8th grade.
I met a wonderful guy, his name was matt. And I asked him out, september 29th, 2007. Everything was so wonderful until i started getting sexually active.
january 18th i lost my virginty to him. and still to this day, i dont regret it. I loved him so much. But i was so scarredd. I called my mom that night [she was out of town] and told her briefly what happened and she flipped out on me. telling me id i kept doing anything with him i would be called a whore and such. and she asked me if i lost my virginty to him, and i said no. yes, i lied. i didnt want my own mother to disapprove of me.
i was so upset. Two night later i was on the fone with him. He wasnt paying attention to me; and i was getting angry. Angry at everyone. Angry at myself. I would say things to him, but he was too busy with his friends. and i ddint help that i was getting yelled at by my grandparents every ten seconds for things i didnt do. [ i now lived with my grandparents not my mother]
i tryed to ask matt for help, but he would ignore me and my crying so i went into the bathroom, and thurally cut myself. Afterwards, i hung up and called back.
I told him what i have done, and it seemed as though he was so angry. so after we hung up the fone, i did it again.
My mom came down from where she lived and sat me. matt, matt’s mom, and my mom to talk about how sex was bad for our age. that was the first time i saw my mom cry. and as soon as i got home i cut again..
me and matt were uneasy about the sexuall things, but we kept doing them anyways. and my mom moved me to maryland becuase of the whole sex deal so i hardly got to see mattt.
8th grade year was almost over. and i was on my way home from and i had a voicemail on my fone. it was from mattt. he said he wanted to end the relationship. I cryed.
I cryed for 2 weeks straight. I ate my whole house out, and gained about 20 pounds of weight. i had no one to talk to. i loved him so much, and i thought he has loved me also. My work in school was dropping lower and lower. i didnt care about what i looked like. i barely went anywhere, or saw anyone.
one night, while my mom and step dad were sleeping, i was in my room. i linked a belt and two long sleved shirts together. Tyed them in a knot and their tryed it to a high bar in my closet. I was alreaady choking and crying. I got on a stool and put my neck through the belt part and sqweezed it tight. i thought maybe if i did it quietly, and told nobody, nobody would notice.
i pushed the stool and away a hung their. i hung their for a good 5 seconds and relized no lie, it hurt. It hurt so bad and i couldnt breathe. i was panicing. I wiggled around and held the belt close to my neck and the long sleeved knot that i had ripped. [ they were old shirts] and i just fell.
i cryed and thought to myself. if only it didnt hurt so bad, i would have gone through with it. I wouldnt have moved so much to make it tear, and i would have gone through with it all the way. I just layed their on the floor all night until the next morning.
a month later was my birthday. my half sister came up to see me and i noticed she had scars on her arms. and my mom saw them.
She told her storys about the times she had. storys about how she handled things and how her friends have died from suicide and i pretty much got the thought in my head that everything is gonna be okay.
Im 15 now. im a freshman in highschool and their are so many other things that i have not written down in here. But today i have gotten a taste of my old depression. Iv’e gotten into a fight with my only good best friend, we didnt talk for 5 days. and she had gotten my X matt, she hate me completely.
he called me heartless, and that im not werth his time to talk to, and i was wondering if he ever really did love me. He approved that he did. keyword DID and wouldnt again. and at tht point, i felt like tieing belts together and going upstairs to make another attempt.
i got offline with my friends who only made me feel worse saying their were other fish in the sea and i was too young, but they didnt understand how deep i loved him. they made me feel so bad, saying i only wanted attention, but i didnt want attention, all i wanted was him. and i knew i could never have him again. He always made me feel good about myself, and He always was their for me, then he left me..
As i was crying, i came across this website. I read throughy through the whole page and read all the steps. By the end, i wasn’t crying anymore. I waiting another five minutes then logged back online.
“if your wondering why im still here, here why” i sent tht and url to the page i visited, and now im sitting here writting this, hoping i would feel better.
And even though my head hurts from crying, and my heart hurts from the pain, i feel better.
I feel better knowing, im not the only one on this earth who feels so down, you know? I feel like taking my life now, is such a selfish thing. I might still get thoughts in my head, but i wont act upon them.
For whoever started this, thank you so much.