Most people would say that suicidal people are crazy. I think I’m crazy. I have been depressed for about three years now. I never felt this way before college. In high school I was a varsity La Cross player with many friends. I never really dated anyone but it never bothered me. Senior year I decided to ask a girl at work to go to Homecoming with me, she accepted and we went. From then on our relationship started. We were in love. I helped her get her life on track and she even applied to the college where I got a scholarship to attend. Freshman year was amazing, we lived life together and never looked back. Sophomore year, she changed. Out of nowhere she came into my dorm room and said she wanted to break up. I never saw it coming….
I finally couldn’t take it anymore and dropped out of college. When I was home I rarely left my room. I lost about 60lbs from not eating. I was weak, tired, and hopeless. One night I decided that I couldn’t take it anymore. I went up stairs, gathered all my depression and sleeping medication, about 120 pills, and swallowed them all. I called my ex and told her that I loved her and I’ll see her again someday. Twenty minutes later, my mom and dad had to break my door to get into my room, there I lay, hardly able to breath. I was taken to the hospital where they pumped my stomach and put me in ICU under 24 hour suicide watch with a guard. I was then taken to a mental illness facility that did nothing more then scare the hell out of me. Those people in there were crazy…I was there…Am I crazy too, I thought.
I recovered, or so I lead everyone onto believe, and took a full time job. There I met another girl and we instantly hit it off. Only two weeks into the relationship I realized that she wasn’t being faithful. Throughout our one and a half year relationship she has cheated on me several times. I was hurt each time, but could never break it off because of the fear of being alone. She decided about a month ago that someone else she was seeing on the side was better then me and left. Now this is where my story comes to the present. I am 21, back in school with a 3.72 GPA. I have more friends then I know what to do with, yet every night I go to bed wanting to not wake up the next day. I’ve tried meeting girls in class, at the bars, even online on a dating website.
I can’t help think that if no one would want to even give me a chance, then why should I try anymore. My dreams of entering the military after college is all but impossible with my past mental health record… I feel as if every time I try for something that I want in life, I fail. I’m on the edge and this time I’m afraid that if I finally decide to take the leap, there will be no chance of anyone saving my life…