On the edge waiting to Jump

  August 8th, 2008 by maxwinnie

I am 14 and have conducted 4 suicidal attempts and am diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I become depressed when my father died when i was 9. My fathers family has a history of depression.
I was put through shit in 2 years. I was misdiagnosed, had too many side affects from medication and was told by my mum to kill myself, she even said she will hand me the knife. She also kicked me out of the house.
My nana blamed me for my mother being angry, and said she will call the cops to take me away because i am naughty? How was i naughty? because i was going to therapy appointments? because i was crying? because i made my mother angry? I got angry and handed her the phone. She never phoned. She told me that if my mother was angry to sit there shut up and believe everything she says, if my mother wants to beat me? sit there and take it. So i did that from then on.
I remember my mother tearing apart my room and taking a stick and continued to hit me. it broke over the back of my shoulder. I remember being slapped for not getting an answer right. I remember shoes being thrown at me. I remember getting red hands from the metal spoon. I remember being whacked with a stick in the head. I remember being pushed roughly aside when i tried to calm her. I remember being kicked out of the car and had to walk all the way home. I remember her taking money from me to pay the bills. I remember her threatning to put my cat in the SPCA. I remember her telling me she wishes i was never born. I remember her telling me i was too fat, useless, worthless, crap, dumb, ugly, *****, lazy, pathetic.
My brother is just as worse, I remember him throwing books, clothes, pillows, phones, dvds, teddy bears, bottles, spray cans, shoes in my face. Him shaking me, him kicking me in the stomach, him punching me, him pushing me aside, him saying im weak to have anxiety medication, him telling his friends about me being depressed and suicidal, him jeoprodizing a job for me, telling me im lazy, expects me to cook him dinner, clean his room, give up my time to spend it with him, kicks my door every morning and night, wakes me up when he thinks i should be up. Kicks me out of his room when im playing a game or watching tv, he discriminates me.
My nana thinks im fat, lazy, weak and naughty.
Why im still around?
My cat, i love her more than anything, i fear that if i leave someone will hurt her.
I stay trapped in this hellhole and grit my teeth for my cat.
I abused smokes for 6 months.
And just when i am turning my life around-
my mum blames me for her not having a life, and studying.
I started going to partys more,
gotten drunk, wasted
and stoned,
and now i am afraid to tell my mother that i might be pregnant.
Im scared shitless.
I do hope i am not.
But the symptoms are all there.
Now i jus need to take the test.
Im waiting till im 18 then i can leave this shit house.
Just 3 more years.
I hope i make it.

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