pain of my kids

i am very low, an abusive childhood, a drug addict teenager, a troubled adult. then i met my husband who slowly struggled to understand me. suicide, severe clinical depression has plagued me for most of my life.then i had my first child which brought the first feeling of joy like i never knew existed. i wanted more. then i lost four babies they were tubal ectopic. no more babies for you said the doctor. i was consumed with grief but massively grateful for my daughter. after a few months i fell pregnant again and i dreaded the scan fearing it would be in my tubes again but there he was. still seriously depressed i felt that feeling again of being overjoyed these feeling so rare in my life meant so much.i had 6 children in all. these being the only things that could make me smile.i knew it was too good to be true and sure enough a lump grew on my 2nd daughters leg till her leg broke.the doc said sorry but she has cancer. osteosarcoma which spreads quickly to the chest and lungs. they had only option-AMPUTATION! she was only 4 and i had to be strong for her and i didnt fall apart despite the overwhelming urge. a couple of months later my 3rd son took an epileptic fit and has now diagnosed with generalised tonic clonic seizures.WHY! WHY? WHY? why is the most precious things in my life hurting. i am afraid to smile again, my heart hurts so much i want death to take me in my sleep. must life always be so painful? iwant to commit suicide but cannot for the sake of my children. i must live with the pain i felt throughout my whole life.this is worse than death but i love them so dearly I WILL LIVE!