August 25th, 2008 by deathlycold

Usually negative thoughts are simply a product of thinking too much. I am worthless. I have no future. I feel so paralyzed. Bam. Out come the tears after 30 minutes of this. But there is another unexpected twist about depression. I told someone I was depressed for the first time today, and as soon as I said it I was fighting back tears. And I was thinking about nothing. I then told another person and then I learned that if you omit some words and say “I need mental help” it makes it easier to hold your composure. Tomorrow I will attempt to see someone about this but it’s going to be hard because I will be a bawling wreck as soon as I take a seat. I am already going through tissues fast as I type this in a computer lab. I am hoping that the more I type (with its concomitant tears and runny nose) I will be cried out and then I will be able to steady myself tomorrow.
My issues stem from academics and sociability. Almost everyone on this site has experienced dissatisfaction with their education so, briefly, I will say that I am at a dead end, with an undeclared major, the requirement to declare, and grades not worth shit. If they refuse to sign my forms I will no place to go. The only leverage I have is human pity. But conversation, friendship, bonding… I’m going to have to carry a fucking duffel bag of Xanax with me at all times. In a party in my own place last year (thrown by my roommates as I have no friends) I couldn’t take it. I had to run away. I hid in a parking lot somewhere because I simply didn’t know what to do and how to behave in front of all those people. Now I live by myself and I talk to myself constantly. Most all are depressive, suicidal thoughts.
This is where I diverge some from the other writers here. I think about suicide, but I know with certainty that I will not commit suicide or self-harm. The only way I can be surer is if I had a crystal ball. The reason is that I know with absolute certainty that my mom will kill herself if I do-she’s not all that stable. My dad will then be all alone in the household, and though he rarely betrays any vulnerability, not a soul will deny that leaving for work at 5 A.M. and coming home at 6 P.M. to a medium sized two-story house built for a middle class family that used to be home to a TV connecting you to lively things like the Olympics, Tom Brokaw or the screaming lunatic on Mad Money and boiling stove and steaming water heater pot and LIFE, but now is deathly quiet and holds nothing but crickets spiders and a very lonely you will break even the toughest.
I actually looked up KCN and HCN and read about its use in suicide. Did you know that the inventor of nylon killed himself with a lethal dose of cyanide? But I won’t tell anyone about this because then I will be sent to a room with padded walls for sure. I just want a future.
What’s hardest on my psyche is my failure despite my advantages. I spend less on myself than my parents want me to. They are not rich but they are hardworking and educated. I am somewhat handsome and I have a sense of style. Generally, people with such traits find it easy to be sociable and comfortable around others and enter situations lightly+. I want to be somebody, anybody but me. My writing is become more incoherent. I’m adding things that don’t make sense.
I have run out of tissues, but that is ok. A Sequoia of tissues wouldn’t clear my system of tears and mucous better than five minutes of deep breathing. I feel a little better now.

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