What a teen really is going through

  August 14th, 2008 by jmason

I lost a good friend to suicide when I was in High School. I didn’t talk about it much because I felt ashamed and I felt weak. If he knew that I had felt the same way, would he have gone through with it. If i knew how he was feeling could I have done anything? But also if he could do it why couldn’t I?

For me it started in Jr. High, I don’t know what changed, hormones, new surroundings or what. But I just didn’t feel the same anymore. I went through the all black phase, it fit me dark and disturbed, just like any teen feels at some point. My home life was less than idea, but I just avoided it as much as possible. I struggled for attention all through Jr. High, I became anorexic not to lose weight but because it gave me dizzy spells. I was involved in any activity I could be in. I tried to keep myself busy, tried to keep my mind focused on things that I could do and get attention for.

But the problem was when I didn’t have anything to do, sitting in a class during a lecture, my notes turned from the lesson plan to my own plan. Ways to end my life. I drew pictures jotted notes halfway covering them whenever the teacher walked by, halfway hoping she would see them. I was fortunate to have teachers who really cared about their students. I know they tried, but i wouldn’t talk, I couldn’t talk about it.

I couldn’t talk about it because I was afraid my parents would find out, I was afraid I would be shipped off to some mental hospital. I was afraid I would be labled and looked down upon.

Three times I tried, each time with more and more pills. All I ended up doing was making myself sick the next morning and giving myself a few ulcers. No one ever knew, no one knew how really sad the quiet girl was on the side of the room. Of course no one knew how really sad my firend was either until he was gone. After starting high school I found new ways to get attention, I started turning towards boys for a self esteem boost. At the age of 14 I had my first taste of true love. He was 19 and I liked the attention I got from him, and the attention from the adults telling me he was too old and I was too young. I soon found out they were right, when he raped me. I couldn’t tell anyone because I was forbidden to see him, I was afraid of the trouble I would get in. He must have felt good about it because a few years later a buddy of his said that I needed to go get an hiv test, but luckliy mine came back negative. After that I shut myself out from the world, I gave in to all the darkness inside of me and just wanted to disappear. I let sex mean love I felt it didn’t matter anymore and became just a way to punish myself.

After I lost my friend to suicide I saw how devesated the people around him were. I saw his parents suffering. I felt bad yet I admired his strength. However I also decided I was not going to copy him. I became overly involved in my music, I may not of been good but it gave me something to drown myself in. In order to keep the negative thoughts out of my head, I would often sneak out of classes and go in a back band room and practice or just cry. I was fortunate to find an escape.

After high school I began learning about depression and Post traumatic stress disorder. I started a healthy relationship, and my husband was the first person I shared my story with. I lost my sister to suicide a few years ago, and with having children of my own it prompted me to finally seek treatment. It is still a struggle, but at least now when the bad days hit, I know they are not forever.

This is just my story, I know there are thousands of others out there who have attempted suicide as a teen, and even more teens considering it, so please don’t take your teens bad mood for granted, try to talk to them, or at least let them know you are nere for them no matter what.

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