Where do I begin…..

Trying to make sense of all this madness, why do i constantly make things hard for myself, it’s as if i get bored when things are going well and i have no other choice but to fuk them up. A week without booze and my brain is on fire, active more than you can believe I blamed the booze partly for the resurgence of my depression, not that i was drinking all the time just excessively when i did and not that the depression had really gone away I just chose to repress it. I miss my mum, she died 13 years ago.It seems like I’m stuck in a loop, I crave some stability but when i get stability i need chaos, where is the balance please someone tell me that it can happen, if i had th balls i would’ve killed myself long ago but i don’t so am stuck in this loop…..