28 and life to go

  September 4th, 2008 by leeemerald

Where to begin? How about my most recent and actual attempt? At age 27, I was living with my girlfriend at the time’s parents. We had spent 3 years together pretty much 24/7. We had the same bad habit. Well, one night in August, I was kicked out from her parents house. She did not follow, nor can I blame her. But what got to me was her not giving a damn about me. We had been through hell and back and were so close. I spent a week living out of my car. I had just started a new job. I went to work at CitiGroup having spent my nights sleeping in my car parked at WalMart. Well, after a week of that, it was payday. I had enough money to put myself into a hotel for a week I had just moved in, when I got the call. My fingerprints were in a database from a misdemeanor I committed when I was 18. I lost that job, and was facing living on the streets again. Well, I was suffering from withdrawal I had lost my best friend and girlfriend. I had no friends from having quit drugs. My family had disowned me from always bumming money. I had almost no money, no possessions other than two baskets of laundry, no credit, no options. I bought a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka. In the space of 2 hours, I finished the bottle. What happened next was so hazy. I remember the phone ringing. The front desk was calling me for some reason. I don’t remember having a conversation at all. According to them, I was making no sense, talking about wanting to die, and making loud vomit sounds. The latch was locked on my room door. I didn’t want to be interrupted. I blacked out around 10pm, and woke up in nearby hospital at 6am. I was strapped to the bed, and being watched over by a cop. I was still hazy when I woke up. All I knew is my head hurt, and there was a needle in my arm. I was pretty angry that I was still alive. I wasn’t sure yet, but seeing the cop caused me to start believing. I still felt out of my body. The day progressed and I knew what I had to say to get out of there. I made my excuses and stated that I didn’t realize how much I drank. I assured them quite confidently, I had no designs for hurting myself or others. 6 hours later, I was released.

My luck in life got a bit better. I got quite possibly the greatest job I’ll ever have. But the urge never left. Ever since I was young, I wanted love. I didn’t have a gf until I was 18. I grew up having the desire to be a family man, wife and kids and a house. As the years of my life have passed by me so quickly, I inch closer to 30 without that simple dream. I live in a time when it’s rare for people to stay married and have kids and a house. I stopped trying so hard, but I’ve never given up hope that maybe someday it will happen. The ex who left me for dead, recently tried to be my friend. How cruel do you have to be to want to rip open barely healed scars? I’m pretty sure I told her what I needed to for her to leave me alone.

Since that suicide attempt, I moved out of the hotel and into my own place. I have dated quite a few girls. One of them is having my kid in late November. So there I was when I found out, pondering, was this my chance? She doesn’t want any kind of relationship with me. She keeps me updated about the status of the baby (it’s a boy), but barely any communication. She has threatened a couple of times, not letting me see or know the baby. I’d say about 3-4 months ago, she hit me hard with her words. I took it so hard. I drank half a bottle of vodka, and pulled my car into the garage. I closed the garage and left my car running. I rolled down the windows and continued to drink. I must have slept about 2 hours when I woke up with a headache. My cell phone was ringing. It was this girl, that I’ve been begging God for. She is cute, and has an awesome personality. So I shut off the car and talked to her. She said I sounded sleepy. I never told anyone what I did.

I find myself thinking about it more and more everyday. I live alone and I’m not use to that. I just had my one year anniversary for living alone. Also, one year since I’ve done drugs. Drinking was something self-destructive that I was doing nightly, but even that has lost it’s thrill.

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