From a really young age i thought about suicide. I’m not going to blame a shitty home-life or the fact that i never got the toys i wanted. I really don’t know what it was that made me think about those things, but one of the most vivid memories I have of my childhood is grabbing a large knife from the kitchen and pressing it against my skin harder and harder, just to test it. Really the only thing that kept me from killing myself then was that i knew it would really hurt my family. I feel like this is the only thing keeping me from doing it today.
I always thought i would be able to make something of myself. Go to medical school, raise a family, get a good job. What do you do when all of your plans go wrong and the only one you have to blame is yourself? What do you do when you find yourself completely alone…but only because you want to be? I have always been a pretty popular person and get along with most anyone, but it’s been such a long time since i actually cared. The truth is i just dont care anymore. I dont care about social interaction whatsoever. I dont care about my career either. Really i dont care about myself much. In all honesty i dont care much about living…sure if i die i could miss out on a lot of things…but how do i know i’ll miss out on anything good? And if im dead would i even know or care that i was missing out on something?
I feel like life is counted in earnings and losses. We can consider any moment of happiness or joy to be an earning and everything else to be a loss. Right now i am losing. I dont feel like ill ever break even either. If this were anything else an expert would tell me to cut my losses while i can and pull out.