I’m having one of my dark/down times where I just want it all to just be over. I’m probably older than most of the writers here (over 50) and the depression really slammed me hard a few years ago. I kind of got better and limped by for 2 years with a fake smile and a small pool of optimism. Then this year in January, I ended up in the psych ward because I decided I was done with life. It’s taken nearly 6 months to get my meds at the right levels for me to closely approximate a human being. Despite the medications, I still want to die. Due to my illness, I have no job and have been a real burden to my family. They are struggling because of me. It only adds to my burden. I’d rather live in a refrigerator box than have them help me. Or to die. I have nothing to look forward to. The highlight of my week is to watch Project Runway. I hated the kind of work I was doing (been doing it for 20 years so I’m burned out, bored, and quite frankly most of the companies I work with conflict with my personal views). I was told by a family member to just suck it up – yeah, thats a real pep talk. Not only does it add to the burden of guilt I have, it certainly is incentive to suicide. I’m trying to not suck it up so I won’t be suicidal. Unemployments been jerking me around for 3 months now and it’s not helping any to be so broke. I feel really inferior and unworthy.
I had some incidences growing up being sexually abused. I always felt like trash because I didn’t think it happened to nice people. As an adult, I really worked hard to succeed. As a kid I had been in gifted classes and was told I had a high IQ. I did very well in college and while, I had bouts of depression, I got better and better jobs, and raised my daughter into a fine woman. Somewhere in the last few years the coping mechanisms I had failed me. It seemed like all those years of struggling, working hard and pushing myself caught up with me and left an empty shell. I’m glad I found a place to at least spit this out – have no insurance so I can’t even go to a therapist or anything. I just don’t know what to do anymore.