When I was 6 I wanted to know what was dangerous about the high tension lines, my sisters simply said if you touch them you die, I asked for details, but instead of hearing about electrocution they just told me that when you die you go to sleep and never wake up and never see anyone ever again.
I went to my room, opened a pencil, and ate the lead, as I knew that the metal lead was poisonous. Obviously it did not work, but lucky for me I realised that it was as though i were in a room with a light switch, and a light on. They bulb may burn out any time, or I can turn it off, but I can not turn it back on. So I decided, as Stevie the poet did, to wait, it is always there, but I might as well wait. I began clock watching at 6 I figured I had a lifespan of about 85 years, so I only had to wait another 79 years. Really!! I got through day by day that way, year by year. Depressing? sure but it worked and that is what is important.
I have managed to wait a long time, and now there are meds and they are finally working well for me. I don’t clock watch anymore like that.
I did what I needed to to stay alive, before there were ssri’s I used alcohol to numb the pain, then pot, and acid, then heroin. I used each as they worked and stopped when they stopped working. Then I found the right meds, and I no longer needed to be stoned to get out of bed.
The first obligation you have is to survive.
I was so glad to see that you talk about the pain here, a study that tried to quantify pain put the pain of major depression up at the same level as that of terminal cancer, and you don’t even feel justified as with cancer. I used to hope for cancer because it was recognised and they gave you medication. My mother, who had BP, died of cancer in GB where they give you heroin and speed in your final days, this was when I was taking heroin myself. My father commented years later that he had never seen her as consistently, and healthily happy since he had met her.
I told him that I had taken heroin and why, he was glad, because it helped me stay alive.
I am lucky to have had a rational father. Many would have an emotional reaction to the word heroin without looking at why.
Survival is the best revenge, use what you have to.
When I was about 11 I got serious about dieing again, but decided to punish my Mother by living. Anything that works.
Fight, and when you cann’t rest, get stoned, spend a week watching TV, play video games far too much, what ever it takes.
2 comments
thanx.
I will.
well i would like to tell you the lead in a pencil is actually graphite, not poisionus. lead is no longer used in pencils anymore due to lead poisioning percautions. so your just wasting your time doing that.