My friend killed herself two weeks ago and this weekend I have to go and visit her brother, I want to because I love him very much but this is all too much for me and I feel like my boyfriend can not handle what I have to say, I feel guilty about so many things. My head is pounding. I am just watching time tick away knowing that I really don’t matter that much at all in the grand scheme of things, my feelings are not taken as seriously as they should be by me or anyone else. I am drowning.
Since I was a little girl I have been so miserable, I have been abused and abused myself in turn. I really want to have a break. I know suicide is something that you cannot take back once it is done but it is far more attractive to me than this misery, stupid thing is I’m not even sad all of the time but when I am it’s crippling. I am so lonely and desperate for understanding I don’t even understand myself sometimes. It always creeps up when I am alone I cannot even go to the supermarket on my own when I am like this. I cannot function I feel so useless that dying seems the better option.
I know this is irrational but I feel sadness in my bones, I will never be free. I had an abortion a month ago and I can’t help but worry that it has tipped me over the edge and that I will never recover. I wish my loved ones could see how much pain I am in. I am trying that is all I can do.