im not quite sure why i am writing on this page, nor do i care weather it helps anyone, i guess i just need to vent. I have had severe depression since age 10. I tried to jump off my thereipist’s balcony at age 10. I do admit my mind was in a shitty place and i wasant thinking clearly, but the police pulled me down. I spent a week in a mental hostipital. Ever since then my life has felt like a bit of a black abyss. I keep falling farther and farther down into a spirial of drugs, depression, and misanthropy. I first started smoking pot because my brother did and i figured, “hey he seems happy, mabey drugs will make me happy.” To be quite honest they dont, except marijuana. I was about 12 when i started smoking pot and it really helped, for a while. Thats the double edged sword of drugs, they do help but only while the high lasts. Then you need more and more and more. By 15 i was doing cocaine, mushrooms, exactcy,pharmies, and smoking pot all day. It was around this time i tried to kill my self again. I was alone, thinking about how big of a slut my gf was and how she hurt me,a nd how i hate being sober, so i figured ill end it all. I took about 3 bottles of my medication and lay down in bed. It was funny almost, the thoughs i had before dying made the most sense. I recognized that i hate everyone, and the only thing i had to live for was drugs, so i sliped off into my final sleep. I awoke like a day later in the hospitial and i was taken to Jhon Hopkins psyc ward for 11 days. It made no diffrence, as soon as i got home i took a shower, and went out with freinds and got high again. I am 18 now and noting has changed, except i am older and wiser. The other day i tried to jump off a bridge, but i couldnt get my self to jump. Over time i have come to the realization that my death is meaningless. If i die it makes no diffrence, so i cannot die just yet. I must leave a festering wound upon the earth. I must kill all that i can. I am never going to be happy, so i wish to spread as much pain on the earth as possiable, only then can i kill my self or be killed. I wish to see the world burn like the burning hate and darkenss of my mind. If i can offer on word of advice to anyone thinking about suicide, hurry up and do it. THe longer and more public you make your attempts, the more interference you will recive. If you wish to die, then die, if not then dont.