Looking for a reason to keep trying…

October 11th, 2008by jess

I have mostly Major/Clinical Depression, however last year I had
a full-blown Maniac 10 month period that ended with me being
put in jail for 6 months (it was obvious to me and a few Psychs
that there was no crimal intent in what I did) however the police
officer booked me for 2 felonies…

So, at age 25 I was playing professional football (SD Chargers)
when I first became ill with major/suicidal depression. Along
with alcoholism and some mania this period lasted about 5
years and completely distroyed my life.

Starting over I found AA and it seemed as if a miracle had happened
(ie no more depression, no alcohol or pot and no mania for 18 years).
During this time I had four children, a home a good job ect.Then at
age 50 due to employment stress (ie .com industry melt-down)
and marriage becoming loveless — I became majorly depressed again
(ie high anxiety and constant suicidal ideation). This lead to ECT
threatment [four series over the next six years] too much ECT!!!
I feel very stigmatized by this and when I speak to Psychiatrists,
Psychologists, LCSW or whomever – I feel a distancing/in ability to
relate to the severity of my illness/journey… Then the 10 months of
Mania + 6 months of jail — now I am two months out of jail and
trying to reconnect with my children, find a job and try and find
some other meaning to my life (service in AA, volunteering, golf,
jogging or ??? – the felony makes things tough in this regard;
even finding a place to volunteer is difficult – more stigma…).

The reconnecting with my children while reason for much gratitude
and joy — also has some significant pain/greif associated with it
(ie being back in the home I used to live in, ex-wife has to “check”
with the children to see if they want to see me — 17 year son
and 15 year old daughter were very negatively effected by my
mania – while 12 year old son seems to just love his dad no
matter what (25 year old daughter from previous marriage is
a bit of a saint and forgives her dad…).

With all that said I am concerned about going down into the
severe depression range (ie very suicidal and feeling that all
I want to do is lay in bed). I do not want any more ECT and
the bed I used to lay in was at my fathers in San Diego (I live
in San Francisco Bay Area) – and is no longer an option
due to mania episode and my fathers age and is too far away
from my children.

I take medications and go to group therapy sessions and meet
with a none licensed counselor each week as well as attending
recently a DBSA consumers run support group. I don’t feel like
I fit in anywhere — and no one seems to want to talk about
someone being suicidal. I don’t want to hurt my children, or
disobey God or hurt other family members and the few friends
I have left — however, I often feel like I don’t want to be alive
anymore. I have shifted the wording of my feelings from I want
to kill myself or not be alive — to I wish I could go HOME now
and be with The Creator…

So, that is about where I am today.

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