Growing up…I was a depressed child. I was so different from my family. My family didn’t know what to do about me, but being the only girl, I was always treated like a ‘time bomb’ waiting to happen. I was always treated like I did something wrong. I was under strict rules, as opposed to my brothers…rarely allowed to do things with friends, rarely allowed to stay after school for anything fun. My parents had so many boys, that with a girl, my father beleived I would be the worst, as I could get pregnant and all. For years… I was suicidal without knowing I was. I wanted to die and go to heaven and not stay on earth…that much i knew. And that was at the age of 7/8. In my teens, I knew what i wanted-which was suicide-and I struggled for years with self loathing and suicidal feelings. Never treated, always alone. Finally in my mid teens I almost succeeded. I had, at that point, been trying out small things like taking a bunch of pills and cutting myself for 5 years by the time I was 16. I started donig drugs in a conscious attempt to destroy myself. I tried to and succeeded at getting myself addicted to meth. When i was finally caught, at 16, by my mother….my father threatened terrible things over the phone-he was out of town that day. And that next morning, I slashed my wrists and took every pill I could find in the drug cabinet. My brother found me in my bathroom, almost unconscience, and that started my 8 month stay in a hospital. I survived (obviously) but struggled to find identity with myself. I was diagnosed so many things from Bi Polar, to Depression, to Borderline Personality Disorder, and on and on. I was put on so many different types of medications that at 20, I decided to stop taking all of them. I was numb with no feelings. Like a zombie…and while I wasn’t feeling depressed…it wasn’t a way to live. And I began, that day, to learn how to cope with my emotions. I went through so many ups and downs. In my relationships I had after that point, break ups were so very hard emotionally on me. One marriages dissolving with the discovery of my ex-husband’s cheating on me almost destroyed me..but I survived by running miles and miles a day. up to 12 a day. Another relationship, I had just bought a house for us, and he left me for another…that also sent me into a downward spiral. I survived again-barely-though I had some serious close calls. Since that time I have been fairly stable…and though I finally discovered my triggers and how to turn them around when I see a trigger occuring. Until the past few days….I have a wonderful fiance and long term relationship that has been the best thing possible for me…I have wonderful pets that i have had for years, and honestly-they have helped me IMMENSELY to survive through my emotional trials. And yet…I find myself today, for no reason, drawn to the brink…looking at a straight blade thinking “Its time.”. Why? I dont understand it….I know it will pass-it always does…but why do I have to deal with these sudden downs like this? Medication only zombies me or puts weight on me that sends me spiralling into a depression. I know I dont need it, because I have been med’s free for 10 years now and have been better for it. But I just dont understand why I will have to deal with this off and on through out my life. Its been 5 years since my last down mode…and I was just thinking I could manage to become pregnant and make it through the hormonal ride eventually since we have discussed that as a desire (a child) in the next year or two. How can I think I could handle the hormonal swings when this suddenly shows up in my life again? I was so happy yesterday, and then I wake up today in gloom and it just goes deeper and deeper until Im where I am at now: contemplating suicide again. I can only hope that this is a small phase and not a setback in my successes I’ve had in coping with this for years…