Stupid

I’m an alcoholic.I’ve been telling myself for half my life that I must stop drinking.I’ve been to a phsyciatrist,i’ve been to AA I’ve moved out of home and succeed to stop drinking but lost my wife doing so.I’m drinking now.I’m a very nice person.I hate life.I hate having loved ones because I know the pain they would feel if I jump.That thought of their pain adds to my pain whilst I’m still alive.I’m trapped.I must go through life suffering because I care about my families feelings.My son is my number one.Tears fall like rain and I choak ,swelling with dispair.I’m going to get the sack from my job which means everything to me.I think my house is bad luck.Something happenned here.Its possesed.I’ve put heaps of blood sweat and tears into it and its so cold.I have a mini foxie dog and a budgie.My lorikeet was dead when I returned home after helping my dad.So unjust.The budgie is lovely.I was going to give it to dad ,but I might keep it because there is future in that,isn’t there.I have carried on through life not for myself ,but for the thought that if I jump that my family will be forever numb.I need help.I’m scared to seek help.I’m getting pissed again then peace when I pass out,but bad dreams hornt me.Its all about me .I’ve been told I’m selfish.(burp) (thats a sick joke) (swallow some more alcohol)broken glass on the tiles.kitchen table in a mess.I told my son that a clear table is a clear mind.my lovely native tree that grew so fast and invited comments from neighbours,fell over the other day.Its blocking my back yard.It gave great shade.I could stand it up if I had the will.The house is a mess agian.Last week was sanity.clean house.Clear table.sober and possitive thinking.How the piss can life turn upside down.There is going to be some serious shit going on in my life .I shake my head.I want to go somewhere where there is no one to judge me.In the wilderness.Animals love you.Nature is hard but non judgmental.Why did I do some things I did.Why did I drive my car into the wilderness.Why Did I walk the hills alone.Why can’t I find a release in somebody.Really confide.Why have I missed so many opportunities for sex.why doesn’t decency pay off.whats going to happen to us all?world financial crissis.child porn.crazy underworld fights with animals.what made the previuos empires tumble in world history.Are we about to make the same mistakes.