I’m still “considering my options”, but I’m pretty sure its time to step out of this life and move on to whatever lies ahead.
I’m not sure I’m depressed. I don’t like that word. I’m just finished with this project that was my life. I took some wrong turns and can’t get it back on track. About 5 years ago, I had a non-psychotic medical condition for which I was prescribed anti-depressants. Something told me it was a bad idea, and I questioned the doctor on it, but he assured me that I needed to take it. Well that was the time suicide first entered my mind. Seemed pretty reasonable then; of course with the help of the anti-depressants for a non-depressed person. I quit taking them after only 3 months because I found myself in a closet with a pistol in my mouth for no reason at all. Just seemed like the thing to do. I recall thinking about suicide as a child, but really didn’t understand it so I wasn’t sure what its purpose was.
Anyhow, fast forward to now. I’m in a hole that doesn’t really offer an ways out (remember the stories of guys jumping out of windows after the stock market crash?). I have a wife and a young son. It breaks my heart to think about leaving my son, but I know he will be taken care of. My wife is extremely unhappy, and I consider it my fault. It doesn’t help that I really don’t care about too much at this moment; when she wants to “talk” to me (read: scream at me) I just tune it out. She thinks I don’t care about her; the honest answer is I know her problems are my fault and there’s not much I can do to fix that for her right now.
I don’t think I’m crazy, nor do I think I’m depressed. But looking at all my options, suicide looks like the best one. I think it will be a real problem solver for everyone involved. I’m waiting now to make sure my life insurance is still good if I take my life. If it doesn’t, I’ll have to rethink this whole plan, because that was an essential part of it; leaving my family taken care of (which I’m not doing well at right now). I had a few friends that committed suicide, and a family member did it a few weeks ago; so it doesn’t really seem like a stretch for me to pull it off. For the rest of you that have written posts on here and are still alive, I hope you get your problems resolved. Life is a good thing in my opinion. I’d really like to keep living, but its just no longer feasible.