My life is one big train wreck. What seems to be the biggest hurdle in my life is the after effects of my incest. The earliest memory of my father abusing me is around 3 or 4 years old. I am not really sure because I have blocked out most of my growing up years. I have struggled for many years to beat this game. I am angry that I am a survivor. I am angry that I have to deal with this shit at all. I am at a place that I have been before and it sucks. I thought I found someone who I could share my life with but I was wrong. I always manage to find the men who will further reject me, abuse me and throw me away like garbage. Men view me as someone to have sex with but nothing more than that. I feel like I should never have been born. I am DONE!!!!!!! I am afraid and have gone back into PTSD. I am in therapy to learn how to live with this horrible secret but am at the point where I am afraid to live and afraid to die. I have been considering suicide for the last three weeks but cannot seem to do it. The thing is, I know that suicide is forever. I can’t come back. I am angry at God and feel that he is not hearing my pain. I feel very alone. I don’t know if I will ever be able to be in a loving relationship with a man. I desire one with all my heart but am afraid that it will never happen. It is so not fair. I am paying the price for the sins of others. My soul was shattered. I wonder if I will ever heal or just keep going to this same dark place. The pain is deep and the road ahead of me is very dark. I cannot see anything except what is right in front of me. I am struggling to find hope. I don’t want to be let down again. I want to live not just survive anymore.