1990 when I was in labor with my daughter I died for 15 minutes on the table as they tried to save her and then me. It was the most encrediable feeling. No pain, no worry, nothing. I stood next to the table with my hand on my head watching the doctors shout at each other. Then a man with blue eyes looked right at me and BANG I was back in my body.
After that it made living hard. I have always been afraid to commit suicide for one reason, Iwas a young women giving birth so it wasn’t my fault when I died.
Now it is all I think about. I have been diagnosed with a terminal illness that has no cure and will be lingering and debilitating as well as demoralizing.
But I have two kids and a husband. I have been treated for depression since 2004 with out any success. This year I finally changed shrinks but at this point I am on 12 different meds for depression and Young Onset Parkinson’s and a few other complications I am not going into here. Everytime they change the meds I have to go into withdrawals and them adjustments to the new meds. It’s hell. I started cutting and graduated to burning to just feel something. I hate doctors, have no money, can’t work because of my other illness. I won’t apply for disablity because I can’t admit I need it. I was always a person with a direction and a plan. Proud. Now I am laying in the fetal position on my floor wondering how long it would take for me to load my husbands gun and take a ride to the end of the block. I have even sent my will to my mom. If it weren’t for my two kids I would have left. They keep me here and have no ideal how I feel because I wear a mask most of the time. I even have friends who put down folks with mental illness, not knowing that I am buring, cutting myself, taking all kinds of drugs for it. I don’t see an end in sight except getting my kids on the road to their futures and own homes and happy and then having an accident.
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Hi, This is a late reply. It’s so interesting hearing your story of that out of body experience and the image of you with your hand on your head. Like you were caring for yourself. I too am in incredible pain with all manner of illnesses. it would be great to step out of my body and brain for a while . Freedom from suffering. But the fear we will be deprived peace in the next life if we take our lives. And the responsibility to loved ones. Life can become a nightmare so easily. The longing for a peaceful natural death that will hurt noone. I can’t even get my will signed cos the solicitor want a letter from doctor saying I’m competent and I really don’t want to have discussion with doctor about why I suddenly want to make a will. None of my illnesses are seen as terminal at this point so they will be suspicious.
Do you think there is still apart of us looking out for ourselves like that experience you had back then. Was that your soul. Sorry for rambling
trish
Tish