I feel your pain

November 27th, 2008by a way out

you hide behind a mask, i hide too. ive been hiding for years. my depression and anxiety is more so now after my husband of 20 years died. i feel so alone. my family doesnt seem to understand why im so depressed. i hear things like get over it, or it will pass. in my mind its been this way for so long i dont see any passing but my own. i think about suicide everyday. ive tried twice with pills. i was found both times. i woke up even more pissed off cause i was still here. i have so much wrapped up inside me, i cant seem to find a release good enough. i was put into the hospital for detox. and then rehab for all the pills i was taking. i dont use or drink anymore, i guess thats a start. or maybe its a fear of not wanting to be so violently sick again. i know its not right but i started to cut again. its a release for me. im sure there’s others out there who cut too and know what i mean about it being a release from the pain. everyday i wake up i dread the day and what its going to bring me. i just know i hate my life. you would never know it when you look at me either that im a very depressed person. i too have a mask. im a fire fighter/ emt. ive been in the business for 12 years. im supposed to save people. ok then why cant i save myself. im on meds, i go to therapy once a week. last week my boss let me go cause there were changes in me that others seen and didnt like. so now i’m going to be out of a job, my car broke down, and its the holidays. well in my mind it cant get any worse then that. since i wasnt successful the first two go arounds, i dreamed up a way thats full proof. the triple suicide. pills, a noose around my neck, when the pills start to work i fall asleep but just before when im feeling no pain i cut my wrists. when i fall im done. it sounds good in my head, i just dont have the courage cause somewhere there is a small part of me that keeps saying hold on just one more day. if i can laugh today, maybe tomorrow will be even funnier. its just so hard when im in so much pain. i just dont understand why God makes us go through this when he knows it hurts so bad. i pray all the time for my life to get better. i just want to be happy again. i want to smile a true smile. i want to wake up in the morning and say what a beautiful morning. i really dont know where i was supposed to go with this letter but it sure feels good to talk about it with others who understand. maybe one of these days my letter will be on a positive note.

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