I have pain

Let me start by saying that I have depression and anxiety of the worst kind. Everyday I live with this pain. It’s a deep down pain. I see a therapist, I take my meds. and as soon as they start working like they should. The drug manufacturer quits sending them to the mental health where I get them. So they put me on something different. In the mean time I go through this two to four week and sometimes more period of adjustment. That’s when it happens. I have bad bouts of depression, my anxiety levels go up, I get all wound up inside, I can’t hold still. This builds up so so bad that it turns into deep urges to hurt myself. First I start cutting and burning myself. I try to stop and can’t. Then the feelings over whelm me. All I think about is how my life sucks. How I hate myself for doing this to me. I’m so sick in the head. I have nothing. I just want to die. What the hell. I lost my husband after 20 years due to a disease called M.S. I don’t have nothing left anyways. My head always hurts. I can’t think straight. I can’t cry. I want to die.