I hide behind a mask

Let me see. Where do I begin?

Well..I’ve been reading some of the posts here recently. Different backgrounds, different problems, different experiences both yound and old.

But it comes down to the same exact thing that I am feeling and have always been feeling since I was very young. Depression, anixety and the dark impeding monster that looms in the darkness named Suicide.

I’ve been depressed since I can remember but never understood I had it. I’ve been told by my family members that I’m sad be cause I WANT to be.

Oh so you mean me crying the middle of the night, waking up every morning wishing I weren’t amonug the living is somethign that I want to do? Yeah..surrreee.

If you were to meet me in person, at first you won’t think I was thinking about sucide or depressed. That is because I hide behind a mask. I dont’ show it because that’s how I was taught. People don’t take to kindly on people with serious cases of depression. But as time went on and problems and life went on and as I got older, my depression has gotten worse.

Unlike most, I have alot to be thankful for. I have a loving boyfirend and we I just moved in this past summer into our new apartment and everything with that is great. I’ve meet a new and good friend that I hang out with and has similar interest as I do. All and all nothing appears to be wrong.
But then, I got into an accidnet this year which left my car totalled and with payments which still need to be paid off. My job is slow and they just let go a number of people. My mom isn’t doing so well. And a good friend of mine died of hepisitis C on June 2008.

These are nothing more than the final straw on a pile of hay that is
on the top of this the long grinding road of my unrequitted notions of depression.

My family were over religious and don’t look to kindly on professional help. Which is why I never went all these years. Thinking they were right.

But I know know, with great and terrible ANGER that they were wrong. My boyfirend made me see that. He told me that what I have is effecting everything around me. My outlook on life, the things I used to do and even the relationship.

I love this man and when he said this. When he SAID this the small voice in my head that had always been saying this as well became LOUD and I knew that I do have a real problem.

It’s so hard, in the past months I’ve just acknowledge of taking my own life and this scares me. It scarces me because the woman inside me wants to LIVE but just doesn’t want to deal with life anymore.

You when people say “That’s life.” Well what if I don’t want any part of it anymore? What if I decide to say NO this isn’t what life is suppose to be? I’m naesous every moring when I get up. I don’t want to wake up anymore. I dont want to have to sit at my job crying in pain.

I know it sounds like I don’t have a problem, but I do. I want to smile, I want to be happy, but this darkness won’t let me.

Who ever is reading my entry, I want to give some possitve note to this. I want to thank you for taking this time to read my problem. I read others on this page and I decided “why not” and go ahead and share my thoughts.

I haven’t tried to commit sucide though I have thought of it. But deep down inside I just don’t know. But I hope in some sense if you’re feeling the same thing more or less that you can do the same thing too and share your thoughts.

**HUGS**