I’m 40 now. My life hasn’t been an easy one. I first tried to commit suicide when I was 12, for what ever reason I did not succeed. However, from that point until I hit 30, I thought about it alot, I even made several more attempts, coming very close twice. I never sought help back then, I didn’t have insurance or enough money for help. I used self mutilation and marijuana as a means not to feel emotions. In my 30’s I seemed to have snapped out of it. I was so busy, I took on raising my teenage niece, and helping raise my boyfriends three children. My niece grew up, married and had a child, I my self have never had children. This along with many other things started to wear on me. I work in the legal field, in family law, I love what I do but is very emoitonally draining. I’ve always been a workaholic, now more so than ever. In fact, it is Sunday, and I am at work while I write this. Any way, depression has been a part of me for so long that it’s like a well worn pair of jeans, comfortable, fitting. I am now 40, I hit bottom several months ago, the depression started interfearing with my job. My boss, who is an attorney, and has a degree in psychology, he saw it, tried to help, but neither one of us knew how bad it had gotten till the end of July. I was then told, to keep my job I had to get help. I was terrified, still am actually, I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. Thankfully my boss and his fiance helped me. I was put on antidepressents by my family Dr., which helped stop the almost constant thoughts of suicide or cutting, I saw a psychiatrist and a therapist, my meds have been changed once and increased twice. Unfortunatly, it helps for a little while and then the thoughts of suicide come back. When I’m alone it is at it’s worst. Driving here today, I was going over a bridge with a river below, I had to concentrate all my will power not to drive off that bridge, it was so very tempting. I am fighting, but I am tired. I will keep fighting though. I remeber what my dad’s suicide did to us as a family, and though my mom has passed away as well, I have a sister a niece a nephew and a grand nephew who I would like to think need me and would miss me. My husband, he is another story, He might miss me, but not for long.
I do not know if this will help anyone, even to make it through one more day. I hope that it does, I have dealt with emotional pain all my life and though I wish I could tell you that it gets better. However, I am new to this whole treatment thing. I have a sliver of hope. Maybe, that will be enough.