thank you

November 30th, 2008by mkn

I’m not sure why it feels better to know other people feel the same. But it does. I feel so alone so much of the time. I have people in my life that I know would be more than happy to listen to me talk of my depression, but I don’t feel like they really get it and I never want to bring down their day by throwing my suicidal woes onto them. I love them too much. I love so many people that mean a lot to me and that is the only reason I am still here.
On Februrary 6, 2008, I tried to kill myself (by overdosing on Tylenol with codeine). One person knows was with me through it. My ex-boyfriend. We were dating at the time and he dragged me to the hospital where I was granted the pleasure to drink a bottle of charcoal. I cried all night and wanted to go home. And I felt so bad with my boyfriend sleeping in a chair next to me. I love him dearly, but I fell out of love with him and I broke up with him in July. I wanted to stay friends with him. but he does not want to speak to me. I miss him terribly and still see him around as we share many common friends, but her will not talk to me. Last time I spoke to him he became upset with me.
I’m seeing someone now, and he, too, is wonderful. I don’t know how I find these wonderful men to fall in love with me. But I feel like I have what I refer to as the “shitus touch”. Everything I touch turns to shit. Just when I manage to fall in love with someone and they manage to fall in love with me, something in me decides that I’m not happy anymore. And my depression takes over. I get panic attacks on a regular basis and I become very suicidal. And I start drifting away from everyone close to me. This includes my boyfriend. And suddenly I fall out of love, and as much as I care for the person, I walk away. It always feels like there’s nothing wrong, but that there’s nothing right. I take the most important person in my life and break their heart. And I end up alone again. And I cry and wish for it all to be over.
I feel like I’ve been fighting depression for 12 years and, at 24, it seems that my life consists of misery. I feel like I’ll never be happy. I have these brief snippets, but then I’m miserable again. It just doesn’t seem worth feeling so hurt all the time for only brief moments of happiness. And it’s so hard to live everyday for other people. Maybe it’s selfish to commit suicide, but sometimes it just seems selfish for them to want me to continue to suffer for them to have me around.
I know there are people that love me and I love them too, but I still feel so alone. And I just want the pain to stop.
I guess this is pretty long. And probably not terribly coherent, but I hope that someone reads this and feels a little less alone.

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