tired

  November 20th, 2008 by sadandmad

I’m so tired of living. I can’t wait to go home. All my life I’ve been unhappy. Even as a child I was told I was bad, not a good girl, etc.. I never got along with anyone. I was picked on, on playgrounds. I still do not know what I did to anyone except take it and take it and take it and then stand up for myself… I’m a BAD person for it. I guess I should have been taught to put up boundries but I never learned it. I’ve been trying for so long to figure out what kind of freak disease I must have to HATE my life so much and what the HECK is wrong with me. I am not bipolar but I know I have a mood disorder of some kind. I’m convinced that there is no name for whatever it is I have. I don’t understand all of the happy, bubbily people out there. I cannot communicate socially, in fact I hate it! I have an issue with everything… even the F???ing car pool line at the school. What are the happy people taking that I’m not or have not tried. When I’ve tried to talk to someone, I hear that “you should be thankful you arn’t crippled or disfigured” That doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m me and I feel what I feel. Then, I’m looked down upon for not feeling guilty about feeling unhappy when others are obviously feeling “far worse” than I, HA! I cannot take antidepressents… they actually make me MORE depressed. I’ve tried the herbal stuff… no help. I tried suicide at 24. Took 24 pills… but still just woke up all tingly-I did think that would be enough. To this day, part of me believes I’m in some kind of COMA HELL nightmare but since I was like that before, well that can’t be the case. I cannot get out of myself to be what I want. WHY? Why can’t I? Why can’t I be happy? I used to love some people even though very few and was very caring to them. I’ve now turned into a very bitter and just down right angry person who really dislikes most every person. All I do is swear all the time even to perfect strangers. I’d like to say I have turetts (sp?) syndrome but I do not. I used to throw things to make me feel better but I cannot afford to replace anything any longer so now I swear. I guess it’s just another outlet. To me, people do really stupid things to others and think nothing of it but call me out all the time if I express an opinion and are just greedy, manipulative, hurtful, emotionless jerks. I guess it’s cause my opinions or feelings are CRAP. Everything that can possibly go wrong is going wrong and it isn’t ending. It’s like that damn bunny… just keeps going and going and going and soon I’m going off of a cliff or a larger dose of pills. I’ve always been the odd person out. I’ve never been beautiful, but just cute which was ok to me, really. Now that I’m 44, I’m graying, gaining weight, feeling old and just unnecessary with NOTHING to give, NO PURPOSE at all. Three weeks ago, I sat in my car for four hours crying and writing goodbye letters to a few people. Then I go home and my 16 year old cat has to be put to sleep. I’ve been inconsolable… Now, just closed off completely. We’ll soon lose our home cause no jobs … no money left. Can’t find a job (everyone wants someone Cheery with an even temperment). My two little girls … I really feel I’d be helping them in life if I left. I just need to do it. They cannot be around me or they will grow up to be like me to some degree they will pick it up. THANKFUL they are adopted so WHATEVER crap I have I cannot genetically give it to them. My mom died when I was 12. I cannot really remember that much about her any more. I was called selfish for wishing she were still alive to be with me on my birthday (which was soon after) right after she died. My dad yelled at me and threw a glass or some dish at me from across the table in a restaurant. At 15, I was attacked by my sisters brother-in-law but never told anyone. I was unhappy as a child like I said so I don’t think it has anything to do with the abuse he did to me. Even counselors I’ve gone to have behind my back, told my step mom that I was looney when I was 14. I thought that was supposed to be in confidence. Conversations were actually repeated by my step mom back then, to me… I was devastated. I think that was WRONG but I’m the only one. PEOPLE ARE JERKS!! And God…. What? Where? Not ever been there for me. According to another website, I need to be at my lowest to find GOD. Right… We have such a wonderful GOD don’t we? Is there some reason I received the “unhappy” person draw? I really do not love my husband. Oh, on the 3rd one too. I am so sad and so mad all at the same time… I’m so sick all of the time (literally) that I feel even sicker inside. I’m thinking of putting my affairs on paper tomorrow so my husband knows how to at least pay bills when I’m dead…. so I can go off this weekend, maybe drive to the beach and end it there. I’ve got my notes all ready, it’ll be a month this weekend that I really had planned it. Nothing has gotten better, in fact, things have only gotten much… much worse.

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