i was born in 1980 remembering at the age of five living and being born in brooklyn in the bedstuy projects being in a room with doors of the henges family arguing and fighting sleeping in a room with other people going to the refrigerator opening it seeing that theres no food but a gallon of water and being smacked in the face for drinking that water that very same night me and my younger two siblings life had changed.that night me and my younger brother and younger sister was taken from family and put in foster care i remember being asked questions about being molested being abused and so on well me and my two siblings was placed in our first foster home in bayshore long island it started out ok but then the abuse started with us us getting hit i was the oldest who could talk so i told the social worker and i feel the blame even to this day the social worker told me that we can move to another foster home or if i wanted to stay i didnt want to stay the social worker told me that my two siblings wants to stay i wanted them to come with me but they didnt so i got placed in another home. at this time i was like 6 or seven losing contact with them the social workers would bring me back into brooklyn to an agency called little flowers there i seen my grandmother and mother but the visits had stopped after that after this i found myself going from foster home to residential centers to group homes what hurts me the most till this day is that with me being in all these foster homes the few homes i was placed in were desent but i was so rebellious and started hanging with the wrong crowd not knowing that i was in a better place then the bedstuy projects every day i beat myself up about this because i could of been with a good family and could of been somebody well at least i tried so i guess the little flower agency didnt need me there so they deciced to move me to nyc when i moved here the first place i was moved to was a bronx group home i was 15 at this time it was like hell for me from the start untill i met this guy who was in his mid 20’s thinking i was inlove and got pregnant with my first baby at 15 . he met me when i was in the group home and left me at the group home when i told him i was pregnant well this was a bad choice i maid i fell inlove with somebody who i thought was inlove with me but he never was and he took my inosence and had took advange well i ended up keeping the baby had to move i couldnt stay there im still in state cusstody so i got placed in a maternity shelter in manhatten for young teenage mothers it was nice but but it was only temporary after i had given birth the agency placed me in a teenage mother group home in the bronx i hated it there the only thing i learned from that was living independent skills also forgetting to mention that when i was in little flower i was placed in special ed i mean im not good at math still not but does that make im slow well getting back to me being in the teenage mother group home in the bronx i didnt like going to highschool because of being in special ed so i didnt like going to school and the staff was helping who they wanted to help you know the favor tisim thing had i known then what i had learned on later was i could of gotten help from the staff to get permanat housing but wasnt given that well i ended up getting into a fight and now im being moved around again this time with my son. im 17 now and had moved to a therapeutic foster home with two other teenage mothers money was stolen from me the foster mother was shady at times so i decided that i want to try and be somebody so i enrolled myself in monroe college in the fordaham rd section of the bronx i took the placement exam failed a few points was giving a remedial class to re-learn the basics took the placement test again and past this was the most blessing i ever thought i had in my life well soon as im feeling good i come back to the foster home to tell the good news and to get my son and i noticed that my son hadent been changed and his stomach was weak like the foster mother didnt feed my son well i had a boyfriend at this time we was both 17 the one i was with when i was in the teenage mother group home in the bronx actually we had just met a few months before i moved to the therapuetic foster home i ended up leaving that foster home my boyfriend was working at that time i had told him to rent out a room for us to move into we did by now im lost not knowing what to do i just broke down let myself go dint want to do anything in life not to mention that my boyfriend mother knew that i was in a group home because the group home was up the block from there house she never liked me because i was young with a child and her son had just finished highschool and she didnt want him really with me. i ended up getting pregnant again with my second child still at the age of 17 couldnt stay in the rented room because the space wasnt big enough so we ended up moving to his mother apt temporary this didnt fall through we broke up went through a custody battle he didnt win but i left him with our daughter and i just kept my son and moved in with a guy that i met off a chatline that relationship didnt go to good so i went into the shelter to get my own apt now im 22 or 23 18 was when i was officially aged out the system i got my first apt in the bronx my neighbors didnt like me its like people find me to be very pretty but im not on myself like that not at that time and still . i been through too much i never bothered anybody i mean someone was trying to do voodoo to me by leaving leaves at my door i tried and always been a cool female but people just didnt like me i was looking for a job got hired at this messenger company didnt find a baby sitter for the school break so i took a chance at leaving my son home for that first week of his school break the next week he would be in school at regular business hours plus he was in a after school program that picked him up from school and dropped him off to me in the evening well for the week that my son was home i was calling him every hour my son was 8 or 9 at the time i taught him how to make sandwiches he was good untill i came home i had to work from 9 to 5 well the last day to wich my son had to stay home was placed in a foster home somebody called acs on me i had spoked to my son when i was coming home soon as i got home my door was open and my son was gone and the social worker left a note saying that my son is in their care and where he was well at this time my age was 24 or 25 went through the procedure of going to court doing parenting classes the workers seen that i wasnt really a unfit mother so the judge had granted me my son back but i felt that my son wasnt happy with being with me not having no family or friends him seeing people disrespecting me i wanted him to know what its like to be in a two parent home and to have a better life so the permanent foster home that he was in was good i asked them if they can adopt my son they did and i made sure if that what he want and he did i go see him every other weekend im still in my first apt in the bronx i left the messenger job trying to get more money and went into the escort business still having drama with neighbors i had moved out moved to mount vernon ny trying to pay my rent and try to make long money i was misserable doing that i wanted money two but i also wanted love from a man since i never had no father and with relationships not working i met this guy in the subway going home we clicked i was feeling him a lot the first month i let him move in with me i mean he had a job he knew what i did for a living but i guess as muched that i thought he had feeling for me it wasnt like how i was feeling him got him a phone under my name the first day a picture of a girl was in his phone and just other stuff he was doing to me i was fed up i told him he had to go the day before i told him to leave i had took a pregnany test my period didnt come down ounce again pregnat he knew about it the next day when i said he had to go he put his hand on me i was scared and went into a domestic violence shelter back at square one im writing this because now im 28 in my life now and i just feel like im in a battle with myself with my decion in life i never had a father so men dogg me out a lot i dont let them but they try to use my kindness for weakness i cant trust people a few people that did come in my life was just as wicked and acting jealous people been trying to hurt me all my life and my mother is alive and breathing living in brooklyn and hasnt attempt to try to be there for me when i need her the most she claim she got a mental disorder she gets ssi and live with a man for years buys ciggerts everyday went to church and goes to her programs does this sound lke a mentally disturbed person you can do that and cant be a mother while people in this world is loosing mothers i only know and met a few in the family and the few threw me a baby shower for my third i had a daughter moved out of the domestic violence shelter got my third apt with my daughter wich im in now . now im 28 tried having a job then more problems happens when my daughter goes to daycare she being neglected in daycare i mean am i that pretty to people like that that they want to see me suffer i mean i dont understand i just feel like killing myself i hate my life it seem like i cant accomplish nothing and i cant find a person that really has love for me i just im going through a same cycle that i cant leave and im hurting and empty inside i mean i dont know what to do.